We usually associate rain with cleansing; a washing of what once was and to start anew again. But it does not always thunder when it rains, so why does it sometimes thunder?
Thunder shakes the sky apart right before it rains, just like when some bad experiences shakes your inner being. The sound of it bellows through your body and frightens you, making you unsure of yourself and what might happen in the future.
And just when you think that you can't handle the noise anymore, it starts to pour. The rain that comes with thunder is so profound; big raindrops that soak the earth, and wash away the dirt from your soul. You ever just stand in the rain and let the drops embrace you? All the problems from your past, the worries, and the stress are rinsed away from head to toe and the memories flow down the block, into a stormdrain and are lost along with everyone else's thoughts.
After the storm, everything is calm again. The last of the rain drops from the leaves and the air shortly left with a fresh scent of renew. Your soul is new again, even just for a little while.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Searching through the Sea...
For the past week, theres been this guy trying to get with me. What happened to him? Let's just say he moved to quick, to fast, no game, too much niceness for comfort, not interesting, admired from afar, and tried way 2 hard. Plus he was 26, he doesnt have all that much time left 2 find a wife and have those kids he's hopin for - cause it sure as hell ain't coming from me!
Where are all the good guys at? The answer is taken or gay (haha). It's like the only single guys r weird, desperate or all around uninteresting. But in this case, its not right to use the saying "beggars can't be choosers". I believe in giving guys a fair shot at a potential thing, but if its really not workin, move on. But it seems like more and more, its hard to give anyone a shot. I don't wanna waste my time cause when i do, i get fucked over or i run into guys like this last one.
It's really hard for me 2 imagine that theres one guy out there for me. I dont wanna settle for just anyone. I've had some good guys in the past, but it just wasn't meant to be, and its ok, they're happy. But where does that leave me? Am i happy? I don't really know anymore to be honest. I have things to be happy about, im healthy (not for long if i keep smoking), i'm in school getting a degree, got my clubs goin on, meeting great people everyday, i generally have a bright future, so what the hell is missing? Someone to share it with. I'm content with doing all this shit on my own, but i wish i had someone to support me, share the happy/sad moments with me, keep my head straight.
What a coincidence that today, which is the day i let that guy go, i was in a completley different state, the great state of Pennsylvania, and why do i happen to pass by a town with my ex's name in it? "fate"sville? wtf is that? i mean a friend told me that things are how u make it, so i just added the connotation to it that its about my ex, but really? why the hell man. A part of me wants to believe that things like these are signs for a future but at the same time, let's be real: i don't even cross his mind. He's livin his own happy life and nowhere does that include me. It's ok. I dunno where or when i'll be just as happy, but hopefully i won't have to wait forever for it 2 happen.
Where are all the good guys at? The answer is taken or gay (haha). It's like the only single guys r weird, desperate or all around uninteresting. But in this case, its not right to use the saying "beggars can't be choosers". I believe in giving guys a fair shot at a potential thing, but if its really not workin, move on. But it seems like more and more, its hard to give anyone a shot. I don't wanna waste my time cause when i do, i get fucked over or i run into guys like this last one.
It's really hard for me 2 imagine that theres one guy out there for me. I dont wanna settle for just anyone. I've had some good guys in the past, but it just wasn't meant to be, and its ok, they're happy. But where does that leave me? Am i happy? I don't really know anymore to be honest. I have things to be happy about, im healthy (not for long if i keep smoking), i'm in school getting a degree, got my clubs goin on, meeting great people everyday, i generally have a bright future, so what the hell is missing? Someone to share it with. I'm content with doing all this shit on my own, but i wish i had someone to support me, share the happy/sad moments with me, keep my head straight.
What a coincidence that today, which is the day i let that guy go, i was in a completley different state, the great state of Pennsylvania, and why do i happen to pass by a town with my ex's name in it? "fate"sville? wtf is that? i mean a friend told me that things are how u make it, so i just added the connotation to it that its about my ex, but really? why the hell man. A part of me wants to believe that things like these are signs for a future but at the same time, let's be real: i don't even cross his mind. He's livin his own happy life and nowhere does that include me. It's ok. I dunno where or when i'll be just as happy, but hopefully i won't have to wait forever for it 2 happen.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
About Valentine's Day
Oh Valentine's Day aka Single Awareness Day.
I thought today was going to be a terrible Vday. Seeing all the couples together, holding hands in public, kissing, seeing them in the windows of resteraunts having a wonderful time together...i thought i would've wanted to throw stuff at them, especially because i was in the city. Surprisingly, i didn't see much of that today. Yeah, i saw couples, but nothing big, no lovey-dovey stuff. Me and some friends were even at a hookah bar and we saw couples there, and some guy was more interested in our conversation then he was with his date (she didn't look to interested either). And neway, who would bring a date to hookah? lol
Honestly, i was never into the whole Vday deal. i think that any day should be Vday, shouldn't just be one day out of the year that a guy should show their appreciation for their girlfriend, it should be an ongoing thing. BUT, it would be nice if just once, someone made the true effort to make a really special valentine's day for me. I don't need expensive jewelry or a $200 check for dinner. Like a friend of mine said: the more creative it is, the better. Which is true. the more thought someone puts into something is proof of the time they spent just to please you. Hasn't happened for me yet, but hopefully one day someone will care about me enough to go out of their way for me.
I'm not as upset as i thought i would be today. i think what makes me sad is the fact no one thought of me to ask me to be their valentine. i guess for the guys i've been talking to, there's someone else more worth taking out then me; well, what are ya gonna do. i had one person in mind that i really would've loved to go out with, but as i've found out, he must've went out with someone special cause right now he's "very happy and had a great valentine's day". i'm happy that he's happy - he needs someone to keep him smiling.
and it was funny because yesterday, i went to a bible study with a friend (do NOT ask why i went) and we watched a christian/romance movie about a married couple on the verge of divorce. and the husband was the one doing a lot of the fucking up so his father gave him a book that was called the "love dare" and there were 40 pages, one page a day, where the husband had to read it and do what that day told him to do. it was basically for him to treat her better, understand love, and see that God is a part of his life (i know, cheesy). well he became a better man even after the 40 days and his wife came back and they lived happily ever after.
i was tearing up almost the whole movie. the movie hit me hard enough that on fricken facebook i basically put a direct status to my ex that he still had a chance to come back. i know he never saw it. it wouldn't even matter if he did. i got a text really early in the morning but i was too tired to look at it, but i hoped it was him. it wasn't. i changed my status back to something more realistic. its amazing what media does to you, what it makes you believe in. i let my heart get away with me, but now i'm back to the real world. the world of heartbreak, life, constant change, struggles, hard work, and the neverending chase to happiness.
I thought today was going to be a terrible Vday. Seeing all the couples together, holding hands in public, kissing, seeing them in the windows of resteraunts having a wonderful time together...i thought i would've wanted to throw stuff at them, especially because i was in the city. Surprisingly, i didn't see much of that today. Yeah, i saw couples, but nothing big, no lovey-dovey stuff. Me and some friends were even at a hookah bar and we saw couples there, and some guy was more interested in our conversation then he was with his date (she didn't look to interested either). And neway, who would bring a date to hookah? lol
Honestly, i was never into the whole Vday deal. i think that any day should be Vday, shouldn't just be one day out of the year that a guy should show their appreciation for their girlfriend, it should be an ongoing thing. BUT, it would be nice if just once, someone made the true effort to make a really special valentine's day for me. I don't need expensive jewelry or a $200 check for dinner. Like a friend of mine said: the more creative it is, the better. Which is true. the more thought someone puts into something is proof of the time they spent just to please you. Hasn't happened for me yet, but hopefully one day someone will care about me enough to go out of their way for me.
I'm not as upset as i thought i would be today. i think what makes me sad is the fact no one thought of me to ask me to be their valentine. i guess for the guys i've been talking to, there's someone else more worth taking out then me; well, what are ya gonna do. i had one person in mind that i really would've loved to go out with, but as i've found out, he must've went out with someone special cause right now he's "very happy and had a great valentine's day". i'm happy that he's happy - he needs someone to keep him smiling.
and it was funny because yesterday, i went to a bible study with a friend (do NOT ask why i went) and we watched a christian/romance movie about a married couple on the verge of divorce. and the husband was the one doing a lot of the fucking up so his father gave him a book that was called the "love dare" and there were 40 pages, one page a day, where the husband had to read it and do what that day told him to do. it was basically for him to treat her better, understand love, and see that God is a part of his life (i know, cheesy). well he became a better man even after the 40 days and his wife came back and they lived happily ever after.
i was tearing up almost the whole movie. the movie hit me hard enough that on fricken facebook i basically put a direct status to my ex that he still had a chance to come back. i know he never saw it. it wouldn't even matter if he did. i got a text really early in the morning but i was too tired to look at it, but i hoped it was him. it wasn't. i changed my status back to something more realistic. its amazing what media does to you, what it makes you believe in. i let my heart get away with me, but now i'm back to the real world. the world of heartbreak, life, constant change, struggles, hard work, and the neverending chase to happiness.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
it seems pretty hopeless...
man, so much for starting the new year with a new guy. i know he means well and i know that he's not emotionally available but shit, he's got me trippin over him and theres nothing i can do about it. oh well i guess, the only thing i can do is leave him alone which is hard when i wanna be a friend 2 him still and it feels like he's ignoring me. But, at the same time, i know he has a lot of things on his plate right now and the last thing he needs to worry about is me, but i don't think that nhe understands that i'm just trying 2 b his friend and not all on his ass bout bein in a relationship and bla bla bla. this is prolly what i get for rejecting him years ago - karma is a bitch.
it just seems so hopeless for nething positive from a man. there are no more good men out there. it is soo hard to find someone who actually gives 2 shits about u - like someone who genuinley cares and takes the time for u and makes sure they give u everything u deserve in hope that u'll stick around because they can't afford loosing u because that's how precious u are to them. it is sooo hard 2 find that in someone nemore. regardless of what i've been through and the stuff i say about being alone the rest of my life, i am willing to give up my heart again, but no one wants it. it sucks.
thats why it leads me to believe that maybe i'm not supposed to have anyone in my life. maybe i'm just one of those people who doesn't have the personality 2 get married or b happy with someone. which is funny because a bunch of ex's of mine or someone who liked me but i never gave them a chance tell me that they wish they never let me leave and that whatever guy gets me is really lucky because i'm a great girl and i'm a keeper. but i can't seem to keep anyone that comes in my life! they all leave and either their lives take a turn for the better or they find someone else and those relationships turn out to be the love of their life, the same position that i thought i was for them. i always get dicked over - i'm always disposable. i must be doing something wrong but i don't know what it is yet because i always change what didn't work in the last relationship.
i'm pretty lonely not having a man in my life. i go to sleep wishing i had my man next to me and holding me and falling alseep with his arms around me. i wish i had someone to talk to when i was bored, when something is on my mind, or when i just see something and i wanna tell someone. i want someone to have my back and support me when i'm right and tell me when i'm wrong. i have a wild spirit and i want someone who can tame me and hold me down. no one has stepped up to the plate and stayed for good no matter what i do. it all seems pretty hopeless.
it just seems so hopeless for nething positive from a man. there are no more good men out there. it is soo hard to find someone who actually gives 2 shits about u - like someone who genuinley cares and takes the time for u and makes sure they give u everything u deserve in hope that u'll stick around because they can't afford loosing u because that's how precious u are to them. it is sooo hard 2 find that in someone nemore. regardless of what i've been through and the stuff i say about being alone the rest of my life, i am willing to give up my heart again, but no one wants it. it sucks.
thats why it leads me to believe that maybe i'm not supposed to have anyone in my life. maybe i'm just one of those people who doesn't have the personality 2 get married or b happy with someone. which is funny because a bunch of ex's of mine or someone who liked me but i never gave them a chance tell me that they wish they never let me leave and that whatever guy gets me is really lucky because i'm a great girl and i'm a keeper. but i can't seem to keep anyone that comes in my life! they all leave and either their lives take a turn for the better or they find someone else and those relationships turn out to be the love of their life, the same position that i thought i was for them. i always get dicked over - i'm always disposable. i must be doing something wrong but i don't know what it is yet because i always change what didn't work in the last relationship.
i'm pretty lonely not having a man in my life. i go to sleep wishing i had my man next to me and holding me and falling alseep with his arms around me. i wish i had someone to talk to when i was bored, when something is on my mind, or when i just see something and i wanna tell someone. i want someone to have my back and support me when i'm right and tell me when i'm wrong. i have a wild spirit and i want someone who can tame me and hold me down. no one has stepped up to the plate and stayed for good no matter what i do. it all seems pretty hopeless.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The song he would've dedicated to me on that night...
Listen...I'd be lying if I told you that I didnt see it coming, be more of a liar if i said, "Hey i didnt want it to be something." You deserve much better for the love that you have shared. I know you wont believe it but girl I swear that I got love for you, big love for you, even when I'm tripping. The fact remains that you will always be my baby, my baby. But dig the truth, baby dig the truth, I cant hide my feelings. Especially when the whole world can see...
That my heart is in two different places...I got you in my life and I wanna do right but its hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces, and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two. And he don't wanna lie, but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two. But he can't keep his heart in two different places, in two different places.
I know you feel it cause you say, "There is much more to this story." But I'd be a fool to say, "I trust her and I'm always gonna love her"...you know that you dont wanna hear. I been living on the edge baby, So I just say yeah baby. She ain't nothing but she is real, but why take her through it when i still got love for you, big love for you even when im tripping. The fact remains that you will always be my baby, my baby. But dig the truth, baby dig the truth, I can't hide my feelings. Espcially when the whole world can see...
That my heart is in two different places. I got you in my life and I wanna do right but it;s hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two and he don't wanna lie but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two, but he can't keep his heart in two different places, not in two different places.
I wanna tell you its over, that i ain't thinking of her. I wanna really mean it and I want you to see it. That I'm really trying to leave her behind and I'm trying not to make you cry. I wanna tell you that I ain't playing games and that I'm dedicated to recieve a change. But when I look in the mirror it's the same old me.
"What's a Man to Do" - Usher
That my heart is in two different places...I got you in my life and I wanna do right but its hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces, and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two. And he don't wanna lie, but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two. But he can't keep his heart in two different places, in two different places.
I know you feel it cause you say, "There is much more to this story." But I'd be a fool to say, "I trust her and I'm always gonna love her"...you know that you dont wanna hear. I been living on the edge baby, So I just say yeah baby. She ain't nothing but she is real, but why take her through it when i still got love for you, big love for you even when im tripping. The fact remains that you will always be my baby, my baby. But dig the truth, baby dig the truth, I can't hide my feelings. Espcially when the whole world can see...
That my heart is in two different places. I got you in my life and I wanna do right but it;s hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two and he don't wanna lie but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two, but he can't keep his heart in two different places, not in two different places.
I wanna tell you its over, that i ain't thinking of her. I wanna really mean it and I want you to see it. That I'm really trying to leave her behind and I'm trying not to make you cry. I wanna tell you that I ain't playing games and that I'm dedicated to recieve a change. But when I look in the mirror it's the same old me.
"What's a Man to Do" - Usher
Thursday, January 1, 2009
thoughts of ' 08 and hopes for ' 09
It's been a while since i've been on this. basically i want to get some things off my chest for the new year. first of all - 2008 sucked balls. it was probably the worst year i have had in a very long time and nothing positive came out of it. now that we are in 2009, i have some hopes. for one, i quit smoking and i hope i can pull through with that since smoking was the way that i tried to cope with things. it was my outlet for my stress and since that stress isn't quite over yet, i'm hoping that letting this go can allow me to let go of some of the other things that i've been holding on to as well. i also want to be able to let go of my ex. its been hard and i've been stubborn to listening, but there's come a point where i can do no more. i've realized that no matter how much i believed in the love that we had, feelings always change. love isn't always lasting. mistakes are made and for some, they need to run away from it. i'm still kind of blaming myself about what i did wrong to deserve the treatment i get, wtf is it about me that i can't find a guy that can care about me. it seems near impossible. hopefully i'll get over these feelings and let go of him. time is my friend as well as my foe, i just have to ride it out as best as i can. i want to find the strength in me to not let every little thing remind me of him and cry about it - he doesn't deserve my tears.
my hopes for this new year is the general things - do better in school, good health, money, whatever. i also want to find a house this year for school so i can finally move out. i don't want to struggle with money nemore, i want to be able to find a legit job, not fuckin highschool jobs n shit. a goal of mine is to change my attitude towards certain things and people and be a better leader and an all around better person. btu i definaltey want to get along in life without feeling i have to rely on finding love, but at the same time, i want my relationships (especially the one i'm sort of kind of in now), to be progressive and hopefully become something good and healthy for me.
fuck ' 08 and in with the new year!
my hopes for this new year is the general things - do better in school, good health, money, whatever. i also want to find a house this year for school so i can finally move out. i don't want to struggle with money nemore, i want to be able to find a legit job, not fuckin highschool jobs n shit. a goal of mine is to change my attitude towards certain things and people and be a better leader and an all around better person. btu i definaltey want to get along in life without feeling i have to rely on finding love, but at the same time, i want my relationships (especially the one i'm sort of kind of in now), to be progressive and hopefully become something good and healthy for me.
fuck ' 08 and in with the new year!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
everything he does effects me
it's official: Fate and that girl he's been talking to are a couple. to make it even more official, he took me off his top friends. i know that its probably not a big deal, but really? is it that serious to take me off his top? maybe she wanted it because she knows how me and him used to be together and stuff. i dunno nemore. but i can say it hurt like hell to see that he's really in a relationship now. i remember how he told me how he can't be in a relationship with anyone - so much for that. he just didnt want to be with me.
he'll be home this weekend, if he isn't home already. he hasnt' called, i know he most likely won't, but for some stupid reason i'm still waiting for it. a part of me wants to see him when i go back home for thanksgiving but a part of me doesn't and i know he won't make the effort to see me, he probably doesn't even want to remember what my face looks like. i keep running through scenarios in my head about what i would say and do if i do see him, and there is a high possibility i will because his sister's birthday is the day after thanksgiving and he might just be there. I keep thinking about how i want to tell him everything he's been doing has been hurting me and if it bothers him. i want to ask him if i still cross his mind, if he regrets what he's done, and if a part of him still wishes that we were still together. i'm going to give him back his bear, and i would hope that it hurts him as much as its gonna hurt me. i want him to be honest and tell me when i walk out that door, if he's gonna chase after me. but, we already know that answer.
i'm almost there, i'm almost over him and i know that i can live without him - a part of me just doesnt want to. i get so far and theres just that one thin thread that keeps me attatched to him. i want to cut it but i dont know what it would take to let it loose. but a part of me wants to continue to hold on to it. i'm the biggest idiot and no matter how much i have become to hate love and all that it represents, i still wish i had the love i had with him. its the post hypocritical thing i've ever experienced in my life. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i have to see his facial expression and look into his eyes when he tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that he's moved on to someone else, and that it's over for good. will he regret it one day? i don't know. life doesnt have the ending that you want.
"And the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes, and the time it would take to dial the phone...and the time it would take to realize her greatness; she'll be gone. She's moved on to someone who takes the time."
Time by Ne-yo
he'll be home this weekend, if he isn't home already. he hasnt' called, i know he most likely won't, but for some stupid reason i'm still waiting for it. a part of me wants to see him when i go back home for thanksgiving but a part of me doesn't and i know he won't make the effort to see me, he probably doesn't even want to remember what my face looks like. i keep running through scenarios in my head about what i would say and do if i do see him, and there is a high possibility i will because his sister's birthday is the day after thanksgiving and he might just be there. I keep thinking about how i want to tell him everything he's been doing has been hurting me and if it bothers him. i want to ask him if i still cross his mind, if he regrets what he's done, and if a part of him still wishes that we were still together. i'm going to give him back his bear, and i would hope that it hurts him as much as its gonna hurt me. i want him to be honest and tell me when i walk out that door, if he's gonna chase after me. but, we already know that answer.
i'm almost there, i'm almost over him and i know that i can live without him - a part of me just doesnt want to. i get so far and theres just that one thin thread that keeps me attatched to him. i want to cut it but i dont know what it would take to let it loose. but a part of me wants to continue to hold on to it. i'm the biggest idiot and no matter how much i have become to hate love and all that it represents, i still wish i had the love i had with him. its the post hypocritical thing i've ever experienced in my life. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i have to see his facial expression and look into his eyes when he tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that he's moved on to someone else, and that it's over for good. will he regret it one day? i don't know. life doesnt have the ending that you want.
"And the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes, and the time it would take to dial the phone...and the time it would take to realize her greatness; she'll be gone. She's moved on to someone who takes the time."
Time by Ne-yo
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