livin' in the fast lane

Man, it's been a bit since i wrote on here. been quite busy with everything.

well, livin in the fast lane. what do i mean? clubbin, partyin, traveling around everywhere, work, clubs, school, and most of all, men.

how come when you least expect it, men come at you from all angles? i guess my sexual frustration is noticeable haha. But real talk, i got some 3 guys on the line right now. we shall give them aliases just so no one knows the real deal ;).

O.G. : this guy = exactly what i need right now. low down: 25, spanish, built, cut, fresh, tattooed, cute, and real. we both don't want any real relationships - i guess the best way 2 put it is a booty call. But, its not exactly. we don't get with one another and bounce. i can actually have a really good conversation with him, and he said the same about me. It's hard to find a guy like him and have an intelligent conversation. he's real straight forward and down to the dirt - but i like it. the idea is that whenever i'm back at home, he'll b here to call up if he's free and when he's up in NY, he'll come through to see me. i feel comfortable with him and i haven't even known him for that long. i think its because i need some non-committment things in my life with all my prior comittments and fallthroughs.

Young Boy: hahaha. well, NEVER have i been the slightest bit interested in someone younger than me. but this boy won't quit. flirts hella hard. he's just somethin when i'm bored and when i don't have anyone else more interesting - like O.G. he's a bit innocent too. he's also very affectionate, which can be OK, but at the same time, i know its not real so it turns me off. i hope he won't get dissapointed when he knows there isnt anything real between us. it's real life and that's just not what i'm looking for anymore.

Repeat: well, i never saw this happening again. we ALMOST had a thing a couple years back. but i've known him for quite a long time and the last time it didnt pull through because it was just way too akward. then he finds out i'm single again and he's back on the prowl to finish what he had started a long time ago. i've hung out with him lately and i'm just not feelin it. he's not quite my type, never really has been, although he is good looking. just can't pull through with it. i feel that he'll get bummed when i don't make the time to chill with him again.

as for Fate. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i don't know if i can say i love him anymore. it's fading. i still care about him - he actually called me on halloween sounding desperate to get away from the situation he's in right now. he's coming home by plane next weekend which was funny because last i knew, he was desperate to leave and his mom was gonna get him a ticket for the following week and he chose to stay there longer. i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is that he needs to get his life straight. for some fucking dumb reason i still have it in the back of my head that he may just want to be back with me again. i'm so stupid. my heart is leading me in the wrong direction whereas my mind is telling me the truth - it's over, never again.

i hope he knows that because of him, my ability to love has diminished greatly. my heart is ice when it comes to any other man but him. i no longer want anything that has to do with a high emotional risk - if any emotion at all. i sleep at night wishing he was next to me. i wish i could lean on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. i reminise on the days when i was worth it enough to him to chase after me, to try to make things work and to keep me in his life. i want him to be reminded of all those nights i waited for him to call and to come home while he was with her. i want him to know that i always ask myself what else could i have done to keep us together, to keep him in love, to keep him interested in me. but most of all, i want him to know that it was his fault we fell apart because i tried my hardest to keep us together while he kept doing me wrong. it was his fault that he fell out of love, that he broke my heart, and destroyed the best thing that could've happened to either of us. But what has hurt me most of all is that he had the chance to make things right, to make the effort not to lose me, but he left me all alone. Maybe, Fate, you should've fell a little harder, or maybe I just loved you too much.

"And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking, I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I'm using like I bleed.."

- Rehab by Rihanna