what do you do when you know it's the end?

well, for the past few days we've been talking - it's cause he's home and not with her. small talk, good talk, but sometimes it would get emotional when we started talking about us.

he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.

but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.

now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.

he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.

all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.

"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."

- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day