well, this weekend ended up being a complete failure. he was with her and her kids. he didn't come see me. whether it be because he couldn't or he wouldn't...it still didn't happen.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
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