if only i could look into his mind and heart..

"Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but nothing's turned out how you wanted. Well, bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, cause you won't let go of anything you hold..."

- One Republic: Say (all i need)

those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.

these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.

i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.

i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.

it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.

i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...