always the liberator, never the liberated

ok, a new day, a new time to write.

well, yesterday i left off on how he has a new girl in his life and how he doesnt love me anymore. Man, to even write that down twists my heart - its one of the most hardest things to convince yourself to believe. I know he still cares, but it stops at a certain point. it doesn't go up and beyond like it did before, that reach is meant for someone else now. Theres a lot of thoughts going through my head and i'm trying to be comprehensive writing them down. I don't really have much more to say from yesterday. I think i'm gonna start with what i've been thinking last night into this morning.

well, i've been trying to ask myself (since he cant give me a straight answer) what changed his mind those few days from wanting to work it out from getting me out of his head. I came up with a few thoughts - i remind him of all the bad mistakes and he just wants to start off fresh, he feels that i won't ever really forgive him and i'll continue to rub it in his face, and that he wants to be with other girls before he settles down. All those make sense and those are probably real reasons why. But i thought of another one the other night, one that is probably the main reason over the rest: he met her.

Fate has told me that they're not serious, and they may not be, at least not yet. Fate has found someone else to make happy, to joke around with, to start anew. He seems happy when he answers the phone when i call but when he realizes its me, he gets agitated. I'm nothing more to him now then a scab, something that keeps bugging him from a past mistake that he has to wait to fall off, and gone forever.

With all my other relationships, every time they didnt want me anymore, i wished them the best. i wished them a new love, a happy life, and success with whatever they do. I never thought of myself and how i would turn out, i just wanted the best for them. I wish him the same; but the only difference is, i'm bitter that its not me. My whole life, i have been nothing to men but a savior for them, a good person that gets them through one of, if not, the toughest times in their lies to grow up, and then when they're done, they need to find someone new and drop me. I thought he was different, but they truely are all the same.

My whole life, people have been telling me how great i am. I've been told that for sure, i'll be engaged before i graduate college because no guy would ever let me go. I've been said that i'm a real catch and the guy who gets me is a lucky man. For once in my life, i want to a man to consider me as the woman they want to keep, that they can't afford to let go because it'll be the biggest mistake of their lives. But, i'm always the one that becomes the shadowy past, the girl they think of once in awhile, the girl who is nothing more than an ex-girlfriend, even to Fate.