can't be around the memories

man..just when i thought i was doing ok things start to suck. well, i've been doing ok since my last entry. but just when i thought i had everything figured out and that i was gonna be fine, something sucks me back in, and its all his fault.

Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.

I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.

Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.

and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.

its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.

this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.

he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.