Still trying...

Just when i thought that it was gonna be alright...something else has to happen. Well, naturally, i moved him from the top of my friends to the bottom (i only have 6 top friends) on my myspace. Consequently, he did the same thing. What i didn't expect was that he was going to put her as her top friend. I saw the picture, took a look, its her and her two daughters. Like the sap that i am, i cried. What gave me more comfort is that i didn't know their names, didn't know what they looked like. Now i have a perfect fucking image of it and now all i can think about is her and him together with her kids having a grand ol' time. what the fuck.

I had a dream before i woke up for class this morning. i forget every little detail but i remember that she was getting mad that i was hanging out with him and he was being a real dick to me, like he wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth. sometimes - i wish i would. i've been through hurt like this before and i know that one day, i'll come to quams with everything and it will no longer bother me and i can live my life without giving him a second thought. however, that peace seems soo far away - it always does. after the dream i cried a bit. then i called him. it was 9 in the morning so i figured that he wouldnt answer anyway, whether he was asleep or just didn't want to answer. I just left a voicemail saying hi, just saying hi and seeing if your doing well. that was it. i don't expect him to call, not later, probably not ever.

i'm going home next weekend and im stopping by his house to see his mom and his sister. i'm kind of hoping that he won't be there but at the same time i want him to be. i haven't seen him in person since all this stuff started happening - the last time i saw him he still wanted to work it out. i don't expect anything to happen if he saw me - his feelings for me are a thing in the past for him. i don't really know what i'd say other than i hope that he's happy and i hope that he finds what he's been looking for. i try to plan what i would say if i saw him, but we all know that it never works out the way you intend it to be.

what he's doing to me is so cruel in the most subtle way - he doens't even know it. i shouldn't care the way i do, but i can't help it - i still care about him. do i love him? i don't know anymore. its hard to keep loving him after all my efforts have gone to waste - its all about letting go. i don't want to be bitter, lately i've been doing good to get over it, but every time i get close to any sanity, something else happens. but i'll just keep trying.

"Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go...so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is i'll be fine without you...yes I will. Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...it'll all get better in time."

- Better in time - Leona Lewis