Just when i thought that it was gonna be alright...something else has to happen. Well, naturally, i moved him from the top of my friends to the bottom (i only have 6 top friends) on my myspace. Consequently, he did the same thing. What i didn't expect was that he was going to put her as her top friend. I saw the picture, took a look, its her and her two daughters. Like the sap that i am, i cried. What gave me more comfort is that i didn't know their names, didn't know what they looked like. Now i have a perfect fucking image of it and now all i can think about is her and him together with her kids having a grand ol' time. what the fuck.
I had a dream before i woke up for class this morning. i forget every little detail but i remember that she was getting mad that i was hanging out with him and he was being a real dick to me, like he wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth. sometimes - i wish i would. i've been through hurt like this before and i know that one day, i'll come to quams with everything and it will no longer bother me and i can live my life without giving him a second thought. however, that peace seems soo far away - it always does. after the dream i cried a bit. then i called him. it was 9 in the morning so i figured that he wouldnt answer anyway, whether he was asleep or just didn't want to answer. I just left a voicemail saying hi, just saying hi and seeing if your doing well. that was it. i don't expect him to call, not later, probably not ever.
i'm going home next weekend and im stopping by his house to see his mom and his sister. i'm kind of hoping that he won't be there but at the same time i want him to be. i haven't seen him in person since all this stuff started happening - the last time i saw him he still wanted to work it out. i don't expect anything to happen if he saw me - his feelings for me are a thing in the past for him. i don't really know what i'd say other than i hope that he's happy and i hope that he finds what he's been looking for. i try to plan what i would say if i saw him, but we all know that it never works out the way you intend it to be.
what he's doing to me is so cruel in the most subtle way - he doens't even know it. i shouldn't care the way i do, but i can't help it - i still care about him. do i love him? i don't know anymore. its hard to keep loving him after all my efforts have gone to waste - its all about letting go. i don't want to be bitter, lately i've been doing good to get over it, but every time i get close to any sanity, something else happens. but i'll just keep trying.
"Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go...so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is i'll be fine without you...yes I will. Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...it'll all get better in time."
- Better in time - Leona Lewis
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Starting Over
This past week has probably been the most sane for me since all this bull has happened. I haven't thought about him much, haven't talked to him for about a week. Been keeping myself busy but not really on purpose, just kinda happened. That quote that I had posted by Albert Einstein was magic words for me - made me realize a whole point of view of my situation that i have never thought of before that not only made me feel better, but gave me peace with what is happening.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Inspiring words
my friend found this quote and posted it to me. These words give me a different perspective of how i see the situation i'm going through. I'm able to let go, although it still aches a little. I hope it inspires you in love as it has inspired me...
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
Friday, October 3, 2008
what do you do when you know it's the end?
well, for the past few days we've been talking - it's cause he's home and not with her. small talk, good talk, but sometimes it would get emotional when we started talking about us.
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
what's it worth to him
well, this weekend ended up being a complete failure. he was with her and her kids. he didn't come see me. whether it be because he couldn't or he wouldn't...it still didn't happen.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
if only i could look into his mind and heart..
"Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but nothing's turned out how you wanted. Well, bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, cause you won't let go of anything you hold..."
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
can't be around the memories
man..just when i thought i was doing ok things start to suck. well, i've been doing ok since my last entry. but just when i thought i had everything figured out and that i was gonna be fine, something sucks me back in, and its all his fault.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
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