well, this weekend ended up being a complete failure. he was with her and her kids. he didn't come see me. whether it be because he couldn't or he wouldn't...it still didn't happen.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
if only i could look into his mind and heart..
"Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but nothing's turned out how you wanted. Well, bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, cause you won't let go of anything you hold..."
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
can't be around the memories
man..just when i thought i was doing ok things start to suck. well, i've been doing ok since my last entry. but just when i thought i had everything figured out and that i was gonna be fine, something sucks me back in, and its all his fault.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
Monday, September 15, 2008
a wise woman told me...
more and more i'm coming to realize that maybe me and Fate weren't meant to be, if we were, this wouldn't be happening right now. Something that happened to me today solidified this thought even more.
My nanay called me today and told me how much she missed me and everything. Then she asked about him and how he was doing. I told her that we broke up; she's the only one in my family who now knows. She was surprised and she asked who broke up with who, i told her the truth - it was mutual, i just spared her the details, she doesn't need to know. She asked me if i was devestated, i told her sort of.
The first thing she told me was that no matter how sad i get, to not just run off with any guy because i need the time to just be with myself. She told me that she used to pray for me and him. She said that she would pray to God that if me and him were meant to be together, to make it so we would. She told me that she is very sad to hear that we're no longer together, but that maybe this is God's way of telling Fate and I that we aren't meant to be.
Damn. I really wish it wasn't so. Fate even told me that he has a "feeling" that there will be something in the future. It's a wonderful thought and deep down inside my heart i wish that it does happen. But really, if you think about it, how likely is it that 2 people are to meet up agani, fall back into love, and live happily ever after? Its so rare. Could i ever be that lucky? luck hasn't been following me lately so its hard to think that it'll come back may way. What are the chances that one day, he'll come across my picture and he'll think of me and look me up in the phonebook. What are the chances that one day i'm at the office, and i'm told that there is a man waiting to see me by the front desk. What are the chances that we see eachother, hang out, have an amazing second-first kiss, fall in love, get married, have children and grow old together? it just doesn't happen. its not meant to be. maybe for someone else, but not for me. not ever.
My nanay called me today and told me how much she missed me and everything. Then she asked about him and how he was doing. I told her that we broke up; she's the only one in my family who now knows. She was surprised and she asked who broke up with who, i told her the truth - it was mutual, i just spared her the details, she doesn't need to know. She asked me if i was devestated, i told her sort of.
The first thing she told me was that no matter how sad i get, to not just run off with any guy because i need the time to just be with myself. She told me that she used to pray for me and him. She said that she would pray to God that if me and him were meant to be together, to make it so we would. She told me that she is very sad to hear that we're no longer together, but that maybe this is God's way of telling Fate and I that we aren't meant to be.
Damn. I really wish it wasn't so. Fate even told me that he has a "feeling" that there will be something in the future. It's a wonderful thought and deep down inside my heart i wish that it does happen. But really, if you think about it, how likely is it that 2 people are to meet up agani, fall back into love, and live happily ever after? Its so rare. Could i ever be that lucky? luck hasn't been following me lately so its hard to think that it'll come back may way. What are the chances that one day, he'll come across my picture and he'll think of me and look me up in the phonebook. What are the chances that one day i'm at the office, and i'm told that there is a man waiting to see me by the front desk. What are the chances that we see eachother, hang out, have an amazing second-first kiss, fall in love, get married, have children and grow old together? it just doesn't happen. its not meant to be. maybe for someone else, but not for me. not ever.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
always the liberator, never the liberated
ok, a new day, a new time to write.
well, yesterday i left off on how he has a new girl in his life and how he doesnt love me anymore. Man, to even write that down twists my heart - its one of the most hardest things to convince yourself to believe. I know he still cares, but it stops at a certain point. it doesn't go up and beyond like it did before, that reach is meant for someone else now. Theres a lot of thoughts going through my head and i'm trying to be comprehensive writing them down. I don't really have much more to say from yesterday. I think i'm gonna start with what i've been thinking last night into this morning.
well, i've been trying to ask myself (since he cant give me a straight answer) what changed his mind those few days from wanting to work it out from getting me out of his head. I came up with a few thoughts - i remind him of all the bad mistakes and he just wants to start off fresh, he feels that i won't ever really forgive him and i'll continue to rub it in his face, and that he wants to be with other girls before he settles down. All those make sense and those are probably real reasons why. But i thought of another one the other night, one that is probably the main reason over the rest: he met her.
Fate has told me that they're not serious, and they may not be, at least not yet. Fate has found someone else to make happy, to joke around with, to start anew. He seems happy when he answers the phone when i call but when he realizes its me, he gets agitated. I'm nothing more to him now then a scab, something that keeps bugging him from a past mistake that he has to wait to fall off, and gone forever.
With all my other relationships, every time they didnt want me anymore, i wished them the best. i wished them a new love, a happy life, and success with whatever they do. I never thought of myself and how i would turn out, i just wanted the best for them. I wish him the same; but the only difference is, i'm bitter that its not me. My whole life, i have been nothing to men but a savior for them, a good person that gets them through one of, if not, the toughest times in their lies to grow up, and then when they're done, they need to find someone new and drop me. I thought he was different, but they truely are all the same.
My whole life, people have been telling me how great i am. I've been told that for sure, i'll be engaged before i graduate college because no guy would ever let me go. I've been said that i'm a real catch and the guy who gets me is a lucky man. For once in my life, i want to a man to consider me as the woman they want to keep, that they can't afford to let go because it'll be the biggest mistake of their lives. But, i'm always the one that becomes the shadowy past, the girl they think of once in awhile, the girl who is nothing more than an ex-girlfriend, even to Fate.
well, yesterday i left off on how he has a new girl in his life and how he doesnt love me anymore. Man, to even write that down twists my heart - its one of the most hardest things to convince yourself to believe. I know he still cares, but it stops at a certain point. it doesn't go up and beyond like it did before, that reach is meant for someone else now. Theres a lot of thoughts going through my head and i'm trying to be comprehensive writing them down. I don't really have much more to say from yesterday. I think i'm gonna start with what i've been thinking last night into this morning.
well, i've been trying to ask myself (since he cant give me a straight answer) what changed his mind those few days from wanting to work it out from getting me out of his head. I came up with a few thoughts - i remind him of all the bad mistakes and he just wants to start off fresh, he feels that i won't ever really forgive him and i'll continue to rub it in his face, and that he wants to be with other girls before he settles down. All those make sense and those are probably real reasons why. But i thought of another one the other night, one that is probably the main reason over the rest: he met her.
Fate has told me that they're not serious, and they may not be, at least not yet. Fate has found someone else to make happy, to joke around with, to start anew. He seems happy when he answers the phone when i call but when he realizes its me, he gets agitated. I'm nothing more to him now then a scab, something that keeps bugging him from a past mistake that he has to wait to fall off, and gone forever.
With all my other relationships, every time they didnt want me anymore, i wished them the best. i wished them a new love, a happy life, and success with whatever they do. I never thought of myself and how i would turn out, i just wanted the best for them. I wish him the same; but the only difference is, i'm bitter that its not me. My whole life, i have been nothing to men but a savior for them, a good person that gets them through one of, if not, the toughest times in their lies to grow up, and then when they're done, they need to find someone new and drop me. I thought he was different, but they truely are all the same.
My whole life, people have been telling me how great i am. I've been told that for sure, i'll be engaged before i graduate college because no guy would ever let me go. I've been said that i'm a real catch and the guy who gets me is a lucky man. For once in my life, i want to a man to consider me as the woman they want to keep, that they can't afford to let go because it'll be the biggest mistake of their lives. But, i'm always the one that becomes the shadowy past, the girl they think of once in awhile, the girl who is nothing more than an ex-girlfriend, even to Fate.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
fantasy meets reality
well, i'm 19 years old and i am going through the toughest time in my life i've experienced yet: realizing that the guy i'm in love with doesn't love me anymore.
I thought i had it all figured out - already i've been through a couple serious relationships. I've cried the waterfalls, moped for days, been depressed about guys, got drunk to numb the pain, and thought that my life was over and that i'd surely die due to my heartache. Surprisingly, i've lived - thats what happens. You'd think that a love that you have let consume every bit of you, a love that stabbed you right in your heart would kill you instantly, but it doesnt. Instead, it lets you get through it, to learn from it, and to love again.
I got over it, but my feelings weren't fixed. I didnt believe in the fairy-tale falling in love. I didn't want to get married or have kids - love like that was too distant for me. And just before my rotten beliefs got the better of me, he came along. The guy who came into my life, who left too soon, and has broken my heart and feelings back to where i started. From now on, we'll call him by the name of Fate, because thats what he was.
he came into my life unexpectadly. But isn't that how it always works. Just when i needed someone to save me from my own twisted feelings, he came. And, me and Fate fell in love instantly. He was the first thing that i believed so strongly in such a long time. We were inseperable. We made promises to eachother, we went through so much together, emotionally and just being together. We spent our senior year in highschool together, we went to eachother's prom. He went off to army bootcamp, and we wrote eachother all the time. I flew to his army graduation and i picked him up at the airport the day he came home. I went off to college 2 hours away, but we still held it down. He wanted to go active for 3 years, and i promised him my loyalty and my love, and that i would wait for him no matter how long it took. Never have i talked seriously about living together, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I believed that the love we had is what the movies portray, what people sing about, what they write about, and they dream about. We had that love and i thought that our love alone was strong enough to keep us together forever...but then reality hit.
everything can always seem like its going great until you hit a couple of bumps in the road. This past summer, we both had jobs that took up a lot of our time. Basically, he had a girl on the side. That hit me like a ton of bricks. the man who continued to say "i love you", "i need you", "your the one", had a girl on the side. We had a long talk, and we had come to the conclusion that we can't be together right now, but that we were gonna work at it. That night, Fate kissed me, and i still felt that spark, that same flame that i felt the first time we kissed almost 2 years ago. That told me a lot, and if i didn't feel that anymore, then that meant that the love wasnt there nemore. I was back in my fantasy world, despirte that it still burned inside, what he did, but i was willing to forgive him and work with him because i couldn't be without him - I again believed that we could work through this, Fate became my everything and i wasn't ready to let it slip away.
then reality smacked me again right across the face. a few days later, he tells me that he doesn't want to work it out anymore, that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, and that he is trying to get over me. Many more things were said, but basically he was pushing me away. He's also found someone else, not a girlfriend, but another girl nontheless. I'm jealous because he has someone to take his mind off of me while i have no one. Fate has been pulling me back and forth and i don't know what to believe. I've pushed him to say that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me. I do believe that he didn't want to say it, but at the same time, i know he doesn't love me. Its hard to admit to yourself that the guy you have loved with all your heart doesn't love you back, that he's fallen out, and coming back into it seems near impossible.
ugh...this is to much right now..i'll continue later
I thought i had it all figured out - already i've been through a couple serious relationships. I've cried the waterfalls, moped for days, been depressed about guys, got drunk to numb the pain, and thought that my life was over and that i'd surely die due to my heartache. Surprisingly, i've lived - thats what happens. You'd think that a love that you have let consume every bit of you, a love that stabbed you right in your heart would kill you instantly, but it doesnt. Instead, it lets you get through it, to learn from it, and to love again.
I got over it, but my feelings weren't fixed. I didnt believe in the fairy-tale falling in love. I didn't want to get married or have kids - love like that was too distant for me. And just before my rotten beliefs got the better of me, he came along. The guy who came into my life, who left too soon, and has broken my heart and feelings back to where i started. From now on, we'll call him by the name of Fate, because thats what he was.
he came into my life unexpectadly. But isn't that how it always works. Just when i needed someone to save me from my own twisted feelings, he came. And, me and Fate fell in love instantly. He was the first thing that i believed so strongly in such a long time. We were inseperable. We made promises to eachother, we went through so much together, emotionally and just being together. We spent our senior year in highschool together, we went to eachother's prom. He went off to army bootcamp, and we wrote eachother all the time. I flew to his army graduation and i picked him up at the airport the day he came home. I went off to college 2 hours away, but we still held it down. He wanted to go active for 3 years, and i promised him my loyalty and my love, and that i would wait for him no matter how long it took. Never have i talked seriously about living together, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I believed that the love we had is what the movies portray, what people sing about, what they write about, and they dream about. We had that love and i thought that our love alone was strong enough to keep us together forever...but then reality hit.
everything can always seem like its going great until you hit a couple of bumps in the road. This past summer, we both had jobs that took up a lot of our time. Basically, he had a girl on the side. That hit me like a ton of bricks. the man who continued to say "i love you", "i need you", "your the one", had a girl on the side. We had a long talk, and we had come to the conclusion that we can't be together right now, but that we were gonna work at it. That night, Fate kissed me, and i still felt that spark, that same flame that i felt the first time we kissed almost 2 years ago. That told me a lot, and if i didn't feel that anymore, then that meant that the love wasnt there nemore. I was back in my fantasy world, despirte that it still burned inside, what he did, but i was willing to forgive him and work with him because i couldn't be without him - I again believed that we could work through this, Fate became my everything and i wasn't ready to let it slip away.
then reality smacked me again right across the face. a few days later, he tells me that he doesn't want to work it out anymore, that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, and that he is trying to get over me. Many more things were said, but basically he was pushing me away. He's also found someone else, not a girlfriend, but another girl nontheless. I'm jealous because he has someone to take his mind off of me while i have no one. Fate has been pulling me back and forth and i don't know what to believe. I've pushed him to say that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me. I do believe that he didn't want to say it, but at the same time, i know he doesn't love me. Its hard to admit to yourself that the guy you have loved with all your heart doesn't love you back, that he's fallen out, and coming back into it seems near impossible.
ugh...this is to much right now..i'll continue later
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