it's official: Fate and that girl he's been talking to are a couple. to make it even more official, he took me off his top friends. i know that its probably not a big deal, but really? is it that serious to take me off his top? maybe she wanted it because she knows how me and him used to be together and stuff. i dunno nemore. but i can say it hurt like hell to see that he's really in a relationship now. i remember how he told me how he can't be in a relationship with anyone - so much for that. he just didnt want to be with me.
he'll be home this weekend, if he isn't home already. he hasnt' called, i know he most likely won't, but for some stupid reason i'm still waiting for it. a part of me wants to see him when i go back home for thanksgiving but a part of me doesn't and i know he won't make the effort to see me, he probably doesn't even want to remember what my face looks like. i keep running through scenarios in my head about what i would say and do if i do see him, and there is a high possibility i will because his sister's birthday is the day after thanksgiving and he might just be there. I keep thinking about how i want to tell him everything he's been doing has been hurting me and if it bothers him. i want to ask him if i still cross his mind, if he regrets what he's done, and if a part of him still wishes that we were still together. i'm going to give him back his bear, and i would hope that it hurts him as much as its gonna hurt me. i want him to be honest and tell me when i walk out that door, if he's gonna chase after me. but, we already know that answer.
i'm almost there, i'm almost over him and i know that i can live without him - a part of me just doesnt want to. i get so far and theres just that one thin thread that keeps me attatched to him. i want to cut it but i dont know what it would take to let it loose. but a part of me wants to continue to hold on to it. i'm the biggest idiot and no matter how much i have become to hate love and all that it represents, i still wish i had the love i had with him. its the post hypocritical thing i've ever experienced in my life. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i have to see his facial expression and look into his eyes when he tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that he's moved on to someone else, and that it's over for good. will he regret it one day? i don't know. life doesnt have the ending that you want.
"And the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes, and the time it would take to dial the phone...and the time it would take to realize her greatness; she'll be gone. She's moved on to someone who takes the time."
Time by Ne-yo
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
men and their impossible mindset
Men these days have no idea what the hell they want from life, let alone from a woman. I'm sick of tired dealing with mixed up emotions. How hard is it to find a man who actually has something going for him and can actually be romantic, fun, considerate, and loving.
Is it too much to ask for a little fidelity? i mean, i'm not married or nothing and i even have wondering eyes sometimes, but its not to the point where i imagine sexing them. why the hell do men do that? isn't that one woman your with, the one who takes care of you when your sick, comes to your rescue when no one else will, and who waits for you to come home when you're out not enough to satisfy your needs? it's like me have to make the worst decisions of their lives and go through an extreme mess just to realize what they had or what they should really be looking for in a woman.
all that used to mean so much to me - love, emotions, effort. although it still means something to me, it seems so impossible to find something like that which lasts forever. everything that i've ever experienced is short-term. all good things come to an end and i don't want to experience that kind of ending anymore. its becoming my choice to not want to put myself out there for love, because all i would be asking for is to get hurt. i'm sick of it. my heart has been through so much that it deserves i break, i deserve a break. i no longer feel the need to want to get married, it seems like bullshit to me. its hard to find lasting relationships, a man always gets tired of his woman. i know that women can be deceitful as well, but its more likely to happen with men. i don't wanna have to figure out the lying, the signs, nothing. it's too much effort that i've been wasting my time with all this time.
fuck everlasting love. when you find it, make sure to let me know, that is, if it hasn't escaped you yet.
Is it too much to ask for a little fidelity? i mean, i'm not married or nothing and i even have wondering eyes sometimes, but its not to the point where i imagine sexing them. why the hell do men do that? isn't that one woman your with, the one who takes care of you when your sick, comes to your rescue when no one else will, and who waits for you to come home when you're out not enough to satisfy your needs? it's like me have to make the worst decisions of their lives and go through an extreme mess just to realize what they had or what they should really be looking for in a woman.
all that used to mean so much to me - love, emotions, effort. although it still means something to me, it seems so impossible to find something like that which lasts forever. everything that i've ever experienced is short-term. all good things come to an end and i don't want to experience that kind of ending anymore. its becoming my choice to not want to put myself out there for love, because all i would be asking for is to get hurt. i'm sick of it. my heart has been through so much that it deserves i break, i deserve a break. i no longer feel the need to want to get married, it seems like bullshit to me. its hard to find lasting relationships, a man always gets tired of his woman. i know that women can be deceitful as well, but its more likely to happen with men. i don't wanna have to figure out the lying, the signs, nothing. it's too much effort that i've been wasting my time with all this time.
fuck everlasting love. when you find it, make sure to let me know, that is, if it hasn't escaped you yet.
livin' in the fast lane
Man, it's been a bit since i wrote on here. been quite busy with everything.
well, livin in the fast lane. what do i mean? clubbin, partyin, traveling around everywhere, work, clubs, school, and most of all, men.
how come when you least expect it, men come at you from all angles? i guess my sexual frustration is noticeable haha. But real talk, i got some 3 guys on the line right now. we shall give them aliases just so no one knows the real deal ;).
O.G. : this guy = exactly what i need right now. low down: 25, spanish, built, cut, fresh, tattooed, cute, and real. we both don't want any real relationships - i guess the best way 2 put it is a booty call. But, its not exactly. we don't get with one another and bounce. i can actually have a really good conversation with him, and he said the same about me. It's hard to find a guy like him and have an intelligent conversation. he's real straight forward and down to the dirt - but i like it. the idea is that whenever i'm back at home, he'll b here to call up if he's free and when he's up in NY, he'll come through to see me. i feel comfortable with him and i haven't even known him for that long. i think its because i need some non-committment things in my life with all my prior comittments and fallthroughs.
Young Boy: hahaha. well, NEVER have i been the slightest bit interested in someone younger than me. but this boy won't quit. flirts hella hard. he's just somethin when i'm bored and when i don't have anyone else more interesting - like O.G. he's a bit innocent too. he's also very affectionate, which can be OK, but at the same time, i know its not real so it turns me off. i hope he won't get dissapointed when he knows there isnt anything real between us. it's real life and that's just not what i'm looking for anymore.
Repeat: well, i never saw this happening again. we ALMOST had a thing a couple years back. but i've known him for quite a long time and the last time it didnt pull through because it was just way too akward. then he finds out i'm single again and he's back on the prowl to finish what he had started a long time ago. i've hung out with him lately and i'm just not feelin it. he's not quite my type, never really has been, although he is good looking. just can't pull through with it. i feel that he'll get bummed when i don't make the time to chill with him again.
as for Fate. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i don't know if i can say i love him anymore. it's fading. i still care about him - he actually called me on halloween sounding desperate to get away from the situation he's in right now. he's coming home by plane next weekend which was funny because last i knew, he was desperate to leave and his mom was gonna get him a ticket for the following week and he chose to stay there longer. i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is that he needs to get his life straight. for some fucking dumb reason i still have it in the back of my head that he may just want to be back with me again. i'm so stupid. my heart is leading me in the wrong direction whereas my mind is telling me the truth - it's over, never again.
i hope he knows that because of him, my ability to love has diminished greatly. my heart is ice when it comes to any other man but him. i no longer want anything that has to do with a high emotional risk - if any emotion at all. i sleep at night wishing he was next to me. i wish i could lean on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. i reminise on the days when i was worth it enough to him to chase after me, to try to make things work and to keep me in his life. i want him to be reminded of all those nights i waited for him to call and to come home while he was with her. i want him to know that i always ask myself what else could i have done to keep us together, to keep him in love, to keep him interested in me. but most of all, i want him to know that it was his fault we fell apart because i tried my hardest to keep us together while he kept doing me wrong. it was his fault that he fell out of love, that he broke my heart, and destroyed the best thing that could've happened to either of us. But what has hurt me most of all is that he had the chance to make things right, to make the effort not to lose me, but he left me all alone. Maybe, Fate, you should've fell a little harder, or maybe I just loved you too much.
"And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking, I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I'm using like I bleed.."
- Rehab by Rihanna
well, livin in the fast lane. what do i mean? clubbin, partyin, traveling around everywhere, work, clubs, school, and most of all, men.
how come when you least expect it, men come at you from all angles? i guess my sexual frustration is noticeable haha. But real talk, i got some 3 guys on the line right now. we shall give them aliases just so no one knows the real deal ;).
O.G. : this guy = exactly what i need right now. low down: 25, spanish, built, cut, fresh, tattooed, cute, and real. we both don't want any real relationships - i guess the best way 2 put it is a booty call. But, its not exactly. we don't get with one another and bounce. i can actually have a really good conversation with him, and he said the same about me. It's hard to find a guy like him and have an intelligent conversation. he's real straight forward and down to the dirt - but i like it. the idea is that whenever i'm back at home, he'll b here to call up if he's free and when he's up in NY, he'll come through to see me. i feel comfortable with him and i haven't even known him for that long. i think its because i need some non-committment things in my life with all my prior comittments and fallthroughs.
Young Boy: hahaha. well, NEVER have i been the slightest bit interested in someone younger than me. but this boy won't quit. flirts hella hard. he's just somethin when i'm bored and when i don't have anyone else more interesting - like O.G. he's a bit innocent too. he's also very affectionate, which can be OK, but at the same time, i know its not real so it turns me off. i hope he won't get dissapointed when he knows there isnt anything real between us. it's real life and that's just not what i'm looking for anymore.
Repeat: well, i never saw this happening again. we ALMOST had a thing a couple years back. but i've known him for quite a long time and the last time it didnt pull through because it was just way too akward. then he finds out i'm single again and he's back on the prowl to finish what he had started a long time ago. i've hung out with him lately and i'm just not feelin it. he's not quite my type, never really has been, although he is good looking. just can't pull through with it. i feel that he'll get bummed when i don't make the time to chill with him again.
as for Fate. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i don't know if i can say i love him anymore. it's fading. i still care about him - he actually called me on halloween sounding desperate to get away from the situation he's in right now. he's coming home by plane next weekend which was funny because last i knew, he was desperate to leave and his mom was gonna get him a ticket for the following week and he chose to stay there longer. i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is that he needs to get his life straight. for some fucking dumb reason i still have it in the back of my head that he may just want to be back with me again. i'm so stupid. my heart is leading me in the wrong direction whereas my mind is telling me the truth - it's over, never again.
i hope he knows that because of him, my ability to love has diminished greatly. my heart is ice when it comes to any other man but him. i no longer want anything that has to do with a high emotional risk - if any emotion at all. i sleep at night wishing he was next to me. i wish i could lean on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. i reminise on the days when i was worth it enough to him to chase after me, to try to make things work and to keep me in his life. i want him to be reminded of all those nights i waited for him to call and to come home while he was with her. i want him to know that i always ask myself what else could i have done to keep us together, to keep him in love, to keep him interested in me. but most of all, i want him to know that it was his fault we fell apart because i tried my hardest to keep us together while he kept doing me wrong. it was his fault that he fell out of love, that he broke my heart, and destroyed the best thing that could've happened to either of us. But what has hurt me most of all is that he had the chance to make things right, to make the effort not to lose me, but he left me all alone. Maybe, Fate, you should've fell a little harder, or maybe I just loved you too much.
"And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking, I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I'm using like I bleed.."
- Rehab by Rihanna
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