it's official: Fate and that girl he's been talking to are a couple. to make it even more official, he took me off his top friends. i know that its probably not a big deal, but really? is it that serious to take me off his top? maybe she wanted it because she knows how me and him used to be together and stuff. i dunno nemore. but i can say it hurt like hell to see that he's really in a relationship now. i remember how he told me how he can't be in a relationship with anyone - so much for that. he just didnt want to be with me.
he'll be home this weekend, if he isn't home already. he hasnt' called, i know he most likely won't, but for some stupid reason i'm still waiting for it. a part of me wants to see him when i go back home for thanksgiving but a part of me doesn't and i know he won't make the effort to see me, he probably doesn't even want to remember what my face looks like. i keep running through scenarios in my head about what i would say and do if i do see him, and there is a high possibility i will because his sister's birthday is the day after thanksgiving and he might just be there. I keep thinking about how i want to tell him everything he's been doing has been hurting me and if it bothers him. i want to ask him if i still cross his mind, if he regrets what he's done, and if a part of him still wishes that we were still together. i'm going to give him back his bear, and i would hope that it hurts him as much as its gonna hurt me. i want him to be honest and tell me when i walk out that door, if he's gonna chase after me. but, we already know that answer.
i'm almost there, i'm almost over him and i know that i can live without him - a part of me just doesnt want to. i get so far and theres just that one thin thread that keeps me attatched to him. i want to cut it but i dont know what it would take to let it loose. but a part of me wants to continue to hold on to it. i'm the biggest idiot and no matter how much i have become to hate love and all that it represents, i still wish i had the love i had with him. its the post hypocritical thing i've ever experienced in my life. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i have to see his facial expression and look into his eyes when he tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that he's moved on to someone else, and that it's over for good. will he regret it one day? i don't know. life doesnt have the ending that you want.
"And the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes, and the time it would take to dial the phone...and the time it would take to realize her greatness; she'll be gone. She's moved on to someone who takes the time."
Time by Ne-yo
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
men and their impossible mindset
Men these days have no idea what the hell they want from life, let alone from a woman. I'm sick of tired dealing with mixed up emotions. How hard is it to find a man who actually has something going for him and can actually be romantic, fun, considerate, and loving.
Is it too much to ask for a little fidelity? i mean, i'm not married or nothing and i even have wondering eyes sometimes, but its not to the point where i imagine sexing them. why the hell do men do that? isn't that one woman your with, the one who takes care of you when your sick, comes to your rescue when no one else will, and who waits for you to come home when you're out not enough to satisfy your needs? it's like me have to make the worst decisions of their lives and go through an extreme mess just to realize what they had or what they should really be looking for in a woman.
all that used to mean so much to me - love, emotions, effort. although it still means something to me, it seems so impossible to find something like that which lasts forever. everything that i've ever experienced is short-term. all good things come to an end and i don't want to experience that kind of ending anymore. its becoming my choice to not want to put myself out there for love, because all i would be asking for is to get hurt. i'm sick of it. my heart has been through so much that it deserves i break, i deserve a break. i no longer feel the need to want to get married, it seems like bullshit to me. its hard to find lasting relationships, a man always gets tired of his woman. i know that women can be deceitful as well, but its more likely to happen with men. i don't wanna have to figure out the lying, the signs, nothing. it's too much effort that i've been wasting my time with all this time.
fuck everlasting love. when you find it, make sure to let me know, that is, if it hasn't escaped you yet.
Is it too much to ask for a little fidelity? i mean, i'm not married or nothing and i even have wondering eyes sometimes, but its not to the point where i imagine sexing them. why the hell do men do that? isn't that one woman your with, the one who takes care of you when your sick, comes to your rescue when no one else will, and who waits for you to come home when you're out not enough to satisfy your needs? it's like me have to make the worst decisions of their lives and go through an extreme mess just to realize what they had or what they should really be looking for in a woman.
all that used to mean so much to me - love, emotions, effort. although it still means something to me, it seems so impossible to find something like that which lasts forever. everything that i've ever experienced is short-term. all good things come to an end and i don't want to experience that kind of ending anymore. its becoming my choice to not want to put myself out there for love, because all i would be asking for is to get hurt. i'm sick of it. my heart has been through so much that it deserves i break, i deserve a break. i no longer feel the need to want to get married, it seems like bullshit to me. its hard to find lasting relationships, a man always gets tired of his woman. i know that women can be deceitful as well, but its more likely to happen with men. i don't wanna have to figure out the lying, the signs, nothing. it's too much effort that i've been wasting my time with all this time.
fuck everlasting love. when you find it, make sure to let me know, that is, if it hasn't escaped you yet.
livin' in the fast lane
Man, it's been a bit since i wrote on here. been quite busy with everything.
well, livin in the fast lane. what do i mean? clubbin, partyin, traveling around everywhere, work, clubs, school, and most of all, men.
how come when you least expect it, men come at you from all angles? i guess my sexual frustration is noticeable haha. But real talk, i got some 3 guys on the line right now. we shall give them aliases just so no one knows the real deal ;).
O.G. : this guy = exactly what i need right now. low down: 25, spanish, built, cut, fresh, tattooed, cute, and real. we both don't want any real relationships - i guess the best way 2 put it is a booty call. But, its not exactly. we don't get with one another and bounce. i can actually have a really good conversation with him, and he said the same about me. It's hard to find a guy like him and have an intelligent conversation. he's real straight forward and down to the dirt - but i like it. the idea is that whenever i'm back at home, he'll b here to call up if he's free and when he's up in NY, he'll come through to see me. i feel comfortable with him and i haven't even known him for that long. i think its because i need some non-committment things in my life with all my prior comittments and fallthroughs.
Young Boy: hahaha. well, NEVER have i been the slightest bit interested in someone younger than me. but this boy won't quit. flirts hella hard. he's just somethin when i'm bored and when i don't have anyone else more interesting - like O.G. he's a bit innocent too. he's also very affectionate, which can be OK, but at the same time, i know its not real so it turns me off. i hope he won't get dissapointed when he knows there isnt anything real between us. it's real life and that's just not what i'm looking for anymore.
Repeat: well, i never saw this happening again. we ALMOST had a thing a couple years back. but i've known him for quite a long time and the last time it didnt pull through because it was just way too akward. then he finds out i'm single again and he's back on the prowl to finish what he had started a long time ago. i've hung out with him lately and i'm just not feelin it. he's not quite my type, never really has been, although he is good looking. just can't pull through with it. i feel that he'll get bummed when i don't make the time to chill with him again.
as for Fate. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i don't know if i can say i love him anymore. it's fading. i still care about him - he actually called me on halloween sounding desperate to get away from the situation he's in right now. he's coming home by plane next weekend which was funny because last i knew, he was desperate to leave and his mom was gonna get him a ticket for the following week and he chose to stay there longer. i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is that he needs to get his life straight. for some fucking dumb reason i still have it in the back of my head that he may just want to be back with me again. i'm so stupid. my heart is leading me in the wrong direction whereas my mind is telling me the truth - it's over, never again.
i hope he knows that because of him, my ability to love has diminished greatly. my heart is ice when it comes to any other man but him. i no longer want anything that has to do with a high emotional risk - if any emotion at all. i sleep at night wishing he was next to me. i wish i could lean on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. i reminise on the days when i was worth it enough to him to chase after me, to try to make things work and to keep me in his life. i want him to be reminded of all those nights i waited for him to call and to come home while he was with her. i want him to know that i always ask myself what else could i have done to keep us together, to keep him in love, to keep him interested in me. but most of all, i want him to know that it was his fault we fell apart because i tried my hardest to keep us together while he kept doing me wrong. it was his fault that he fell out of love, that he broke my heart, and destroyed the best thing that could've happened to either of us. But what has hurt me most of all is that he had the chance to make things right, to make the effort not to lose me, but he left me all alone. Maybe, Fate, you should've fell a little harder, or maybe I just loved you too much.
"And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking, I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I'm using like I bleed.."
- Rehab by Rihanna
well, livin in the fast lane. what do i mean? clubbin, partyin, traveling around everywhere, work, clubs, school, and most of all, men.
how come when you least expect it, men come at you from all angles? i guess my sexual frustration is noticeable haha. But real talk, i got some 3 guys on the line right now. we shall give them aliases just so no one knows the real deal ;).
O.G. : this guy = exactly what i need right now. low down: 25, spanish, built, cut, fresh, tattooed, cute, and real. we both don't want any real relationships - i guess the best way 2 put it is a booty call. But, its not exactly. we don't get with one another and bounce. i can actually have a really good conversation with him, and he said the same about me. It's hard to find a guy like him and have an intelligent conversation. he's real straight forward and down to the dirt - but i like it. the idea is that whenever i'm back at home, he'll b here to call up if he's free and when he's up in NY, he'll come through to see me. i feel comfortable with him and i haven't even known him for that long. i think its because i need some non-committment things in my life with all my prior comittments and fallthroughs.
Young Boy: hahaha. well, NEVER have i been the slightest bit interested in someone younger than me. but this boy won't quit. flirts hella hard. he's just somethin when i'm bored and when i don't have anyone else more interesting - like O.G. he's a bit innocent too. he's also very affectionate, which can be OK, but at the same time, i know its not real so it turns me off. i hope he won't get dissapointed when he knows there isnt anything real between us. it's real life and that's just not what i'm looking for anymore.
Repeat: well, i never saw this happening again. we ALMOST had a thing a couple years back. but i've known him for quite a long time and the last time it didnt pull through because it was just way too akward. then he finds out i'm single again and he's back on the prowl to finish what he had started a long time ago. i've hung out with him lately and i'm just not feelin it. he's not quite my type, never really has been, although he is good looking. just can't pull through with it. i feel that he'll get bummed when i don't make the time to chill with him again.
as for Fate. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i don't know if i can say i love him anymore. it's fading. i still care about him - he actually called me on halloween sounding desperate to get away from the situation he's in right now. he's coming home by plane next weekend which was funny because last i knew, he was desperate to leave and his mom was gonna get him a ticket for the following week and he chose to stay there longer. i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is that he needs to get his life straight. for some fucking dumb reason i still have it in the back of my head that he may just want to be back with me again. i'm so stupid. my heart is leading me in the wrong direction whereas my mind is telling me the truth - it's over, never again.
i hope he knows that because of him, my ability to love has diminished greatly. my heart is ice when it comes to any other man but him. i no longer want anything that has to do with a high emotional risk - if any emotion at all. i sleep at night wishing he was next to me. i wish i could lean on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. i reminise on the days when i was worth it enough to him to chase after me, to try to make things work and to keep me in his life. i want him to be reminded of all those nights i waited for him to call and to come home while he was with her. i want him to know that i always ask myself what else could i have done to keep us together, to keep him in love, to keep him interested in me. but most of all, i want him to know that it was his fault we fell apart because i tried my hardest to keep us together while he kept doing me wrong. it was his fault that he fell out of love, that he broke my heart, and destroyed the best thing that could've happened to either of us. But what has hurt me most of all is that he had the chance to make things right, to make the effort not to lose me, but he left me all alone. Maybe, Fate, you should've fell a little harder, or maybe I just loved you too much.
"And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking, I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I'm using like I bleed.."
- Rehab by Rihanna
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Still trying...
Just when i thought that it was gonna be alright...something else has to happen. Well, naturally, i moved him from the top of my friends to the bottom (i only have 6 top friends) on my myspace. Consequently, he did the same thing. What i didn't expect was that he was going to put her as her top friend. I saw the picture, took a look, its her and her two daughters. Like the sap that i am, i cried. What gave me more comfort is that i didn't know their names, didn't know what they looked like. Now i have a perfect fucking image of it and now all i can think about is her and him together with her kids having a grand ol' time. what the fuck.
I had a dream before i woke up for class this morning. i forget every little detail but i remember that she was getting mad that i was hanging out with him and he was being a real dick to me, like he wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth. sometimes - i wish i would. i've been through hurt like this before and i know that one day, i'll come to quams with everything and it will no longer bother me and i can live my life without giving him a second thought. however, that peace seems soo far away - it always does. after the dream i cried a bit. then i called him. it was 9 in the morning so i figured that he wouldnt answer anyway, whether he was asleep or just didn't want to answer. I just left a voicemail saying hi, just saying hi and seeing if your doing well. that was it. i don't expect him to call, not later, probably not ever.
i'm going home next weekend and im stopping by his house to see his mom and his sister. i'm kind of hoping that he won't be there but at the same time i want him to be. i haven't seen him in person since all this stuff started happening - the last time i saw him he still wanted to work it out. i don't expect anything to happen if he saw me - his feelings for me are a thing in the past for him. i don't really know what i'd say other than i hope that he's happy and i hope that he finds what he's been looking for. i try to plan what i would say if i saw him, but we all know that it never works out the way you intend it to be.
what he's doing to me is so cruel in the most subtle way - he doens't even know it. i shouldn't care the way i do, but i can't help it - i still care about him. do i love him? i don't know anymore. its hard to keep loving him after all my efforts have gone to waste - its all about letting go. i don't want to be bitter, lately i've been doing good to get over it, but every time i get close to any sanity, something else happens. but i'll just keep trying.
"Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go...so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is i'll be fine without you...yes I will. Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...it'll all get better in time."
- Better in time - Leona Lewis
I had a dream before i woke up for class this morning. i forget every little detail but i remember that she was getting mad that i was hanging out with him and he was being a real dick to me, like he wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth. sometimes - i wish i would. i've been through hurt like this before and i know that one day, i'll come to quams with everything and it will no longer bother me and i can live my life without giving him a second thought. however, that peace seems soo far away - it always does. after the dream i cried a bit. then i called him. it was 9 in the morning so i figured that he wouldnt answer anyway, whether he was asleep or just didn't want to answer. I just left a voicemail saying hi, just saying hi and seeing if your doing well. that was it. i don't expect him to call, not later, probably not ever.
i'm going home next weekend and im stopping by his house to see his mom and his sister. i'm kind of hoping that he won't be there but at the same time i want him to be. i haven't seen him in person since all this stuff started happening - the last time i saw him he still wanted to work it out. i don't expect anything to happen if he saw me - his feelings for me are a thing in the past for him. i don't really know what i'd say other than i hope that he's happy and i hope that he finds what he's been looking for. i try to plan what i would say if i saw him, but we all know that it never works out the way you intend it to be.
what he's doing to me is so cruel in the most subtle way - he doens't even know it. i shouldn't care the way i do, but i can't help it - i still care about him. do i love him? i don't know anymore. its hard to keep loving him after all my efforts have gone to waste - its all about letting go. i don't want to be bitter, lately i've been doing good to get over it, but every time i get close to any sanity, something else happens. but i'll just keep trying.
"Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go...so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is i'll be fine without you...yes I will. Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...it'll all get better in time."
- Better in time - Leona Lewis
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Starting Over
This past week has probably been the most sane for me since all this bull has happened. I haven't thought about him much, haven't talked to him for about a week. Been keeping myself busy but not really on purpose, just kinda happened. That quote that I had posted by Albert Einstein was magic words for me - made me realize a whole point of view of my situation that i have never thought of before that not only made me feel better, but gave me peace with what is happening.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Inspiring words
my friend found this quote and posted it to me. These words give me a different perspective of how i see the situation i'm going through. I'm able to let go, although it still aches a little. I hope it inspires you in love as it has inspired me...
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
Friday, October 3, 2008
what do you do when you know it's the end?
well, for the past few days we've been talking - it's cause he's home and not with her. small talk, good talk, but sometimes it would get emotional when we started talking about us.
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
what's it worth to him
well, this weekend ended up being a complete failure. he was with her and her kids. he didn't come see me. whether it be because he couldn't or he wouldn't...it still didn't happen.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
basically, he can't be with me. to him, when he looks at me, all he can think of is the horrible things he's done and he can't live with that - he needs to start off fresh. but what about me? i have to suffer now because of his mistakes? its a bit selfish to think only about himself when here i am, the person who is most affected by his decisions. i was so open with him.
he told me that our lives are going seperate ways. he might go active for years on end and he said that i wanna stay here and go 2 skool and work in NYC. i told him that if he wanted me, i would do whatever it takes to keep us together. i wuld make it work so i culd have a job wherever he was.
he told me it was too late. i asked him y. he could've give me an answer. he just kept saying that he just can't because something is telling him that he's doing the right thing. he told me there's other reasons too, but he knows that this is the best decision for me and for him.
it doesnt all sound absurd. it makes sense. but what seems most unfair is that i would've thought that he believed in what we had as much as i did to give it one more try, one more chance at a love that was worth it. i thought i was worth it enough for him to look past all that has happened and know that the most important thing is to keep us going. even if the attempt turned out to fail...at least we would've known that we gave it one last shot and we could live with it. leaving it the way he wants to leaves that small bit of possibility that we'd never know - or at least, i'd never know.
Fate has fucked me over.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
if only i could look into his mind and heart..
"Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere better just to have it? Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost it? You felt it so strong, but nothing's turned out how you wanted. Well, bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, cause you won't let go of anything you hold..."
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
- One Republic: Say (all i need)
those words are what i wish that i could ask him. I was with his mom today to see his younger sister cheerlead. it matters a lot to me that she still wants to see me and that she is so fond of me. she was telling me how he's never home and if he is, its only for a day and he never feels like doing anything. she knows that there's someone else in his life, but she hates it. She said she wants nothing to do with her and she says she has her reasons. i asked her why does she feel so much malice because she should give her a chance, for martin's sake, if he really does like her, but she said that its not her place to say why she hates her so much.
these kind of secrets is what i'm tired of. he's been pulling my feelings and my thoughts back and forth, he is just so confused and all he can do is lie. Lie to me. you would think that he'd be tired of it all. Maybe he's doing it thinking that he's doing me a favor not really telling me how he feels. well, news flash: it just makes things worse.
i wish i could just see into his mind. i want to know what he's thinking about everything that is going on. i wish i could help him if he needed it. i wish i knew if he still cares about how i'm doing. i wonder if he ever wonders if i still love him, and want him, despite of everything.
i wish i could see into his heart. i want to know how he felt when he cheated. i want to know if he thought of what he was doing when he was with her and looked at the promise ring i gave him. i yearn to know if his heart has one drop of love left in it for me.
it hurts so much inside knowing that i'm no longer an important part of his life. even as friends its not working out well. he doesn't put forth an effort. I don't know why its so hard for him - whether its cause it hurts him or he just doesnt want to, or maybe he doesnt see a point anymore and he doesnt want to admit that to me.
i wish he could be honest and upfront. blunt even, i don't care. i need that from him. maybe if i knew the truth my mind would finally settle. but he doesn't care about that, all he's really concerned with is himself. it didn't used to be like that, he wasn't like that. but then again, that was the past, and this is now, and he is not the same person i used to know...
can't be around the memories
man..just when i thought i was doing ok things start to suck. well, i've been doing ok since my last entry. but just when i thought i had everything figured out and that i was gonna be fine, something sucks me back in, and its all his fault.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
Fate never knows what he wants. Fate always sends me mixed messages that send me back in my mind and makes it go round and round and i don't know what to do, how to feel, or where to go.
I came home for the weekend. I did it so i could see him, and so i could see my nanay. I come here, and he tells me he's not home. He's with her. His new girl, his new interest. I shouldn't feel anything because i could do the same if i really wanted to. I do really want to, but something always inside holds me back. It's not really cause i think that me and Fate have another chance, it's just the fact that i feel like to a point, relationships aren't worth it anymore. What does it possibly do for you to have feelings for someone beyond physical feelings when you know any emotional feelings never last. It's all so temporary - a spur of the moment - a fad. It always goes away with time.
Everything here back home reminds me of him. I was here for 3 hours and i already wanted to go back to school. Fuck everything here. Fuck my bed where we made love, and the couch where we laid n where we slept, and the blanket he let me keep, the resteraunts where we went to eat, the car where we first spent time together, the streets we walked on, fuck it all.
and where is he? he is with her. this weekend is the last chance we'll ever have to see eachother, either for now until he leaves for active duty, or possibly forever. all i can think about is how he's on a couch with her as they watch tv and laugh. They laid down in the bed together and talked till they were sleepy, and he held her as they fell asleep. just like we used to. and here i am, in my room, alone. no one to talk to, no one to hold, no one to turn to for comfort. he was my comfort, my friend, my lover - but not anymore. Those times are long gone, but the memories still linger.
its so easy for him and i hate him for it. i want to do the same - i want to be able to be with someone else and spend time with them, but i can't. i can't because he's ruined it for me. i can't trust someone - i don't see the point. i can't have real feelings - it's all worthless and a waste of time now. No matter what he tells me, about how its hard for him too and i just don't know how it is. I don't believe him, i can't believe him because when he says something, his actions speak otherwise. He prolly just says those things to make me feel better, i wish he wuld just be blunt - it'd be easier for me to let him go for good.
this town reminds me of him. i don't wanna b here anymore. the only thing that was keeping me attatched to this place was him, and since we're no longer bound to one another, i have no reason to come back. One day, i won't have to step back here...i can leave this place for good. Or, if not, i'll have been able to forget enough and not care bout him where i can come back and enjoy it for what it is.
he'll be out of my mind, my soul, and my life, sooner or later.
Monday, September 15, 2008
a wise woman told me...
more and more i'm coming to realize that maybe me and Fate weren't meant to be, if we were, this wouldn't be happening right now. Something that happened to me today solidified this thought even more.
My nanay called me today and told me how much she missed me and everything. Then she asked about him and how he was doing. I told her that we broke up; she's the only one in my family who now knows. She was surprised and she asked who broke up with who, i told her the truth - it was mutual, i just spared her the details, she doesn't need to know. She asked me if i was devestated, i told her sort of.
The first thing she told me was that no matter how sad i get, to not just run off with any guy because i need the time to just be with myself. She told me that she used to pray for me and him. She said that she would pray to God that if me and him were meant to be together, to make it so we would. She told me that she is very sad to hear that we're no longer together, but that maybe this is God's way of telling Fate and I that we aren't meant to be.
Damn. I really wish it wasn't so. Fate even told me that he has a "feeling" that there will be something in the future. It's a wonderful thought and deep down inside my heart i wish that it does happen. But really, if you think about it, how likely is it that 2 people are to meet up agani, fall back into love, and live happily ever after? Its so rare. Could i ever be that lucky? luck hasn't been following me lately so its hard to think that it'll come back may way. What are the chances that one day, he'll come across my picture and he'll think of me and look me up in the phonebook. What are the chances that one day i'm at the office, and i'm told that there is a man waiting to see me by the front desk. What are the chances that we see eachother, hang out, have an amazing second-first kiss, fall in love, get married, have children and grow old together? it just doesn't happen. its not meant to be. maybe for someone else, but not for me. not ever.
My nanay called me today and told me how much she missed me and everything. Then she asked about him and how he was doing. I told her that we broke up; she's the only one in my family who now knows. She was surprised and she asked who broke up with who, i told her the truth - it was mutual, i just spared her the details, she doesn't need to know. She asked me if i was devestated, i told her sort of.
The first thing she told me was that no matter how sad i get, to not just run off with any guy because i need the time to just be with myself. She told me that she used to pray for me and him. She said that she would pray to God that if me and him were meant to be together, to make it so we would. She told me that she is very sad to hear that we're no longer together, but that maybe this is God's way of telling Fate and I that we aren't meant to be.
Damn. I really wish it wasn't so. Fate even told me that he has a "feeling" that there will be something in the future. It's a wonderful thought and deep down inside my heart i wish that it does happen. But really, if you think about it, how likely is it that 2 people are to meet up agani, fall back into love, and live happily ever after? Its so rare. Could i ever be that lucky? luck hasn't been following me lately so its hard to think that it'll come back may way. What are the chances that one day, he'll come across my picture and he'll think of me and look me up in the phonebook. What are the chances that one day i'm at the office, and i'm told that there is a man waiting to see me by the front desk. What are the chances that we see eachother, hang out, have an amazing second-first kiss, fall in love, get married, have children and grow old together? it just doesn't happen. its not meant to be. maybe for someone else, but not for me. not ever.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
always the liberator, never the liberated
ok, a new day, a new time to write.
well, yesterday i left off on how he has a new girl in his life and how he doesnt love me anymore. Man, to even write that down twists my heart - its one of the most hardest things to convince yourself to believe. I know he still cares, but it stops at a certain point. it doesn't go up and beyond like it did before, that reach is meant for someone else now. Theres a lot of thoughts going through my head and i'm trying to be comprehensive writing them down. I don't really have much more to say from yesterday. I think i'm gonna start with what i've been thinking last night into this morning.
well, i've been trying to ask myself (since he cant give me a straight answer) what changed his mind those few days from wanting to work it out from getting me out of his head. I came up with a few thoughts - i remind him of all the bad mistakes and he just wants to start off fresh, he feels that i won't ever really forgive him and i'll continue to rub it in his face, and that he wants to be with other girls before he settles down. All those make sense and those are probably real reasons why. But i thought of another one the other night, one that is probably the main reason over the rest: he met her.
Fate has told me that they're not serious, and they may not be, at least not yet. Fate has found someone else to make happy, to joke around with, to start anew. He seems happy when he answers the phone when i call but when he realizes its me, he gets agitated. I'm nothing more to him now then a scab, something that keeps bugging him from a past mistake that he has to wait to fall off, and gone forever.
With all my other relationships, every time they didnt want me anymore, i wished them the best. i wished them a new love, a happy life, and success with whatever they do. I never thought of myself and how i would turn out, i just wanted the best for them. I wish him the same; but the only difference is, i'm bitter that its not me. My whole life, i have been nothing to men but a savior for them, a good person that gets them through one of, if not, the toughest times in their lies to grow up, and then when they're done, they need to find someone new and drop me. I thought he was different, but they truely are all the same.
My whole life, people have been telling me how great i am. I've been told that for sure, i'll be engaged before i graduate college because no guy would ever let me go. I've been said that i'm a real catch and the guy who gets me is a lucky man. For once in my life, i want to a man to consider me as the woman they want to keep, that they can't afford to let go because it'll be the biggest mistake of their lives. But, i'm always the one that becomes the shadowy past, the girl they think of once in awhile, the girl who is nothing more than an ex-girlfriend, even to Fate.
well, yesterday i left off on how he has a new girl in his life and how he doesnt love me anymore. Man, to even write that down twists my heart - its one of the most hardest things to convince yourself to believe. I know he still cares, but it stops at a certain point. it doesn't go up and beyond like it did before, that reach is meant for someone else now. Theres a lot of thoughts going through my head and i'm trying to be comprehensive writing them down. I don't really have much more to say from yesterday. I think i'm gonna start with what i've been thinking last night into this morning.
well, i've been trying to ask myself (since he cant give me a straight answer) what changed his mind those few days from wanting to work it out from getting me out of his head. I came up with a few thoughts - i remind him of all the bad mistakes and he just wants to start off fresh, he feels that i won't ever really forgive him and i'll continue to rub it in his face, and that he wants to be with other girls before he settles down. All those make sense and those are probably real reasons why. But i thought of another one the other night, one that is probably the main reason over the rest: he met her.
Fate has told me that they're not serious, and they may not be, at least not yet. Fate has found someone else to make happy, to joke around with, to start anew. He seems happy when he answers the phone when i call but when he realizes its me, he gets agitated. I'm nothing more to him now then a scab, something that keeps bugging him from a past mistake that he has to wait to fall off, and gone forever.
With all my other relationships, every time they didnt want me anymore, i wished them the best. i wished them a new love, a happy life, and success with whatever they do. I never thought of myself and how i would turn out, i just wanted the best for them. I wish him the same; but the only difference is, i'm bitter that its not me. My whole life, i have been nothing to men but a savior for them, a good person that gets them through one of, if not, the toughest times in their lies to grow up, and then when they're done, they need to find someone new and drop me. I thought he was different, but they truely are all the same.
My whole life, people have been telling me how great i am. I've been told that for sure, i'll be engaged before i graduate college because no guy would ever let me go. I've been said that i'm a real catch and the guy who gets me is a lucky man. For once in my life, i want to a man to consider me as the woman they want to keep, that they can't afford to let go because it'll be the biggest mistake of their lives. But, i'm always the one that becomes the shadowy past, the girl they think of once in awhile, the girl who is nothing more than an ex-girlfriend, even to Fate.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
fantasy meets reality
well, i'm 19 years old and i am going through the toughest time in my life i've experienced yet: realizing that the guy i'm in love with doesn't love me anymore.
I thought i had it all figured out - already i've been through a couple serious relationships. I've cried the waterfalls, moped for days, been depressed about guys, got drunk to numb the pain, and thought that my life was over and that i'd surely die due to my heartache. Surprisingly, i've lived - thats what happens. You'd think that a love that you have let consume every bit of you, a love that stabbed you right in your heart would kill you instantly, but it doesnt. Instead, it lets you get through it, to learn from it, and to love again.
I got over it, but my feelings weren't fixed. I didnt believe in the fairy-tale falling in love. I didn't want to get married or have kids - love like that was too distant for me. And just before my rotten beliefs got the better of me, he came along. The guy who came into my life, who left too soon, and has broken my heart and feelings back to where i started. From now on, we'll call him by the name of Fate, because thats what he was.
he came into my life unexpectadly. But isn't that how it always works. Just when i needed someone to save me from my own twisted feelings, he came. And, me and Fate fell in love instantly. He was the first thing that i believed so strongly in such a long time. We were inseperable. We made promises to eachother, we went through so much together, emotionally and just being together. We spent our senior year in highschool together, we went to eachother's prom. He went off to army bootcamp, and we wrote eachother all the time. I flew to his army graduation and i picked him up at the airport the day he came home. I went off to college 2 hours away, but we still held it down. He wanted to go active for 3 years, and i promised him my loyalty and my love, and that i would wait for him no matter how long it took. Never have i talked seriously about living together, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I believed that the love we had is what the movies portray, what people sing about, what they write about, and they dream about. We had that love and i thought that our love alone was strong enough to keep us together forever...but then reality hit.
everything can always seem like its going great until you hit a couple of bumps in the road. This past summer, we both had jobs that took up a lot of our time. Basically, he had a girl on the side. That hit me like a ton of bricks. the man who continued to say "i love you", "i need you", "your the one", had a girl on the side. We had a long talk, and we had come to the conclusion that we can't be together right now, but that we were gonna work at it. That night, Fate kissed me, and i still felt that spark, that same flame that i felt the first time we kissed almost 2 years ago. That told me a lot, and if i didn't feel that anymore, then that meant that the love wasnt there nemore. I was back in my fantasy world, despirte that it still burned inside, what he did, but i was willing to forgive him and work with him because i couldn't be without him - I again believed that we could work through this, Fate became my everything and i wasn't ready to let it slip away.
then reality smacked me again right across the face. a few days later, he tells me that he doesn't want to work it out anymore, that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, and that he is trying to get over me. Many more things were said, but basically he was pushing me away. He's also found someone else, not a girlfriend, but another girl nontheless. I'm jealous because he has someone to take his mind off of me while i have no one. Fate has been pulling me back and forth and i don't know what to believe. I've pushed him to say that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me. I do believe that he didn't want to say it, but at the same time, i know he doesn't love me. Its hard to admit to yourself that the guy you have loved with all your heart doesn't love you back, that he's fallen out, and coming back into it seems near impossible.
ugh...this is to much right now..i'll continue later
I thought i had it all figured out - already i've been through a couple serious relationships. I've cried the waterfalls, moped for days, been depressed about guys, got drunk to numb the pain, and thought that my life was over and that i'd surely die due to my heartache. Surprisingly, i've lived - thats what happens. You'd think that a love that you have let consume every bit of you, a love that stabbed you right in your heart would kill you instantly, but it doesnt. Instead, it lets you get through it, to learn from it, and to love again.
I got over it, but my feelings weren't fixed. I didnt believe in the fairy-tale falling in love. I didn't want to get married or have kids - love like that was too distant for me. And just before my rotten beliefs got the better of me, he came along. The guy who came into my life, who left too soon, and has broken my heart and feelings back to where i started. From now on, we'll call him by the name of Fate, because thats what he was.
he came into my life unexpectadly. But isn't that how it always works. Just when i needed someone to save me from my own twisted feelings, he came. And, me and Fate fell in love instantly. He was the first thing that i believed so strongly in such a long time. We were inseperable. We made promises to eachother, we went through so much together, emotionally and just being together. We spent our senior year in highschool together, we went to eachother's prom. He went off to army bootcamp, and we wrote eachother all the time. I flew to his army graduation and i picked him up at the airport the day he came home. I went off to college 2 hours away, but we still held it down. He wanted to go active for 3 years, and i promised him my loyalty and my love, and that i would wait for him no matter how long it took. Never have i talked seriously about living together, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I believed that the love we had is what the movies portray, what people sing about, what they write about, and they dream about. We had that love and i thought that our love alone was strong enough to keep us together forever...but then reality hit.
everything can always seem like its going great until you hit a couple of bumps in the road. This past summer, we both had jobs that took up a lot of our time. Basically, he had a girl on the side. That hit me like a ton of bricks. the man who continued to say "i love you", "i need you", "your the one", had a girl on the side. We had a long talk, and we had come to the conclusion that we can't be together right now, but that we were gonna work at it. That night, Fate kissed me, and i still felt that spark, that same flame that i felt the first time we kissed almost 2 years ago. That told me a lot, and if i didn't feel that anymore, then that meant that the love wasnt there nemore. I was back in my fantasy world, despirte that it still burned inside, what he did, but i was willing to forgive him and work with him because i couldn't be without him - I again believed that we could work through this, Fate became my everything and i wasn't ready to let it slip away.
then reality smacked me again right across the face. a few days later, he tells me that he doesn't want to work it out anymore, that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, and that he is trying to get over me. Many more things were said, but basically he was pushing me away. He's also found someone else, not a girlfriend, but another girl nontheless. I'm jealous because he has someone to take his mind off of me while i have no one. Fate has been pulling me back and forth and i don't know what to believe. I've pushed him to say that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me. I do believe that he didn't want to say it, but at the same time, i know he doesn't love me. Its hard to admit to yourself that the guy you have loved with all your heart doesn't love you back, that he's fallen out, and coming back into it seems near impossible.
ugh...this is to much right now..i'll continue later
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