Just when i thought that it was gonna be alright...something else has to happen. Well, naturally, i moved him from the top of my friends to the bottom (i only have 6 top friends) on my myspace. Consequently, he did the same thing. What i didn't expect was that he was going to put her as her top friend. I saw the picture, took a look, its her and her two daughters. Like the sap that i am, i cried. What gave me more comfort is that i didn't know their names, didn't know what they looked like. Now i have a perfect fucking image of it and now all i can think about is her and him together with her kids having a grand ol' time. what the fuck.
I had a dream before i woke up for class this morning. i forget every little detail but i remember that she was getting mad that i was hanging out with him and he was being a real dick to me, like he wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth. sometimes - i wish i would. i've been through hurt like this before and i know that one day, i'll come to quams with everything and it will no longer bother me and i can live my life without giving him a second thought. however, that peace seems soo far away - it always does. after the dream i cried a bit. then i called him. it was 9 in the morning so i figured that he wouldnt answer anyway, whether he was asleep or just didn't want to answer. I just left a voicemail saying hi, just saying hi and seeing if your doing well. that was it. i don't expect him to call, not later, probably not ever.
i'm going home next weekend and im stopping by his house to see his mom and his sister. i'm kind of hoping that he won't be there but at the same time i want him to be. i haven't seen him in person since all this stuff started happening - the last time i saw him he still wanted to work it out. i don't expect anything to happen if he saw me - his feelings for me are a thing in the past for him. i don't really know what i'd say other than i hope that he's happy and i hope that he finds what he's been looking for. i try to plan what i would say if i saw him, but we all know that it never works out the way you intend it to be.
what he's doing to me is so cruel in the most subtle way - he doens't even know it. i shouldn't care the way i do, but i can't help it - i still care about him. do i love him? i don't know anymore. its hard to keep loving him after all my efforts have gone to waste - its all about letting go. i don't want to be bitter, lately i've been doing good to get over it, but every time i get close to any sanity, something else happens. but i'll just keep trying.
"Since there's no more you and me, it's time I let you go...so I can be free and live my life how it should be. No matter how hard it is i'll be fine without you...yes I will. Thought I couldn't live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too...it'll all get better in time. And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...it'll all get better in time."
- Better in time - Leona Lewis
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Starting Over
This past week has probably been the most sane for me since all this bull has happened. I haven't thought about him much, haven't talked to him for about a week. Been keeping myself busy but not really on purpose, just kinda happened. That quote that I had posted by Albert Einstein was magic words for me - made me realize a whole point of view of my situation that i have never thought of before that not only made me feel better, but gave me peace with what is happening.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
But now that i am here, a point in my life in which i was in a crossroads, but now i picked the path that's just for me, what do i do? It's hard to start over, especially when i thought that i'd be done with the dating thing because i thought me and him were gonna end up together. Well that didn't happen, not for a long shot, so here i am now. How do you date again? How do you just pick up where u left off and start talking to someone else like nothing had ever happened? I mean, i know i don't have to act that way, but at the same time, it's hard to start something else if you still have what has happened in the back of your mind, in the back of your heart.
No one seems to fit what i had with him. He was perfect for me, my perfect vision of the man i wanted to be with. I guess it's why people say things like utopia are fictional ideas. He was nothing but a idea that will never be achieved. Its hard to believe any of the things he said bout how he still has feelings for me and he wishes it would work except for this and that when he chose being with her then seeing me. he hasn't tried to call me, email me, nothing - not a single attempt. maybe he knew that i wuldn't wanna talk to him. Maybe he knew the decision he made of being with her was final with me and him.
i wonder if he thinks of me. Probably not. he knew it was over when i was still fighting, he just went along with it cuz he knew i needed to try to get it out. He rather not talk to me, he did cuz he knew i wanted to. He didnt really wanna see me, he just brought the idea up cuz he knew i wanted to see him.
You had me fooled Fate, but no longer will that blanket of love blind me from the reality that i need to see.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Inspiring words
my friend found this quote and posted it to me. These words give me a different perspective of how i see the situation i'm going through. I'm able to let go, although it still aches a little. I hope it inspires you in love as it has inspired me...
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
" The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find [his] own happiness without expecting [him] to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness eat away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find a peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime."
- Albert Einstien
Friday, October 3, 2008
what do you do when you know it's the end?
well, for the past few days we've been talking - it's cause he's home and not with her. small talk, good talk, but sometimes it would get emotional when we started talking about us.
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
he's told me a lot of things, more then what he's ever been telling me since all this madness has started. i even got a little optomistic because he started asking that if we were to get back together do i really think it would work and if my parents would accept him again and so on. I told him, like i've said throughout all my blogs so far - that i would do nething to make it work and if we both wanted to be with eachother, it would work out. He was even thinking about coming up to my school for a day or two to see me this coming week. he also said that now he knows more then ever that sex is just sex until you love someone, and that i am the only person that he's ever made love to. i thought that me seeing him may be my last chance to possibly have him want to be with me. not pressuring him or nething, but maybe if he were physically with me, he might realize that he really does want to be with me.
but today, all my optomisim went down the drain. he told me that if he were to be with me, he needs me there everyday and that he can't do the long distance thing anymore. i never knew that last year while i was at school it was so hard on him. it was hard on me too, but i stuck it out because i believed that our love was strong enough that it would keep us going no matter how far we were from eachother. he also told me he loves her (man that really sucks) but he still has feelings for me. he also admitted, after much prying on my part, that he is using her so that when he goes active, he'll have someone to follow him. i don't know when he got so needy. maybe he doesn't trust himself unless he has a girl that is around all the time - but then again that doesn't make any sense due to the fact that he didnt cheat on me while i was gone at school but when i was home for the summer.
now, for those of you who may not know, if someone in the military wants a significant other to live with them on the base, you have to be married. so - all i can do is imply that, he is contemplating on marrying her. I can offer him all my love, my soul, and my future...but i can't marry him, not now. i want to at least get my undergrad degree at my school, which will be another 2 years before i can follow him anywhere. I want to, and i am willing to, but i just need these next 2 years. He can't give that to me, he can't wait for me nemore - and that hurts to the deepest holes in my heart because i would've waited forever for him. he has new needs now, and that part of me i cannot yet give, all i need is 2 more years. i tried to ask him what does she have that i don't.
he's not coming to see me next week, he'll be in tennessee with her visiting her mother who is in the hospital with cancer. sounds like a family doesnt it? hes getting introduced to the mother, unfortunately its not under the best circumstances. maybe as for her mother's permission to marry her, although it wouldn't matter becuz she is much older then him. and now that he'll be with her, he won't feel the need to talk to me. i don't expect him to come see me although he says he will make it happen. maybe i'll try to go down there again, but i cant gaurentee that he'll be there willing to c me because he is rethinking wanting to see me. when i ask him about them, however, he's so indifferent. i don't know if its because hes trying to spare me details or he really doesnt know what he wants. i tried to ask him if he doesn't feel all that strongly about her, then why make this decision. he can't answer me, all he says is that he knows that he'll regret it later. i ask him if he's happy - he doesn't answer me either.
all this that i've found out should make it easier for me to finally let go of the last strand that i had for us. i know that he won't be with me; he'll choose her. i know i can't do nething about it. i know that he'll want me there as a friend, but can i? if he does end up with her officially, i don't know if i can. i know i shouldn't expect anything from him - his feelings are lost. i just don't know where to begin to let go.
"I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you."
- Linkin Park: Shadow of the Day
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