it seems pretty hopeless...

man, so much for starting the new year with a new guy. i know he means well and i know that he's not emotionally available but shit, he's got me trippin over him and theres nothing i can do about it. oh well i guess, the only thing i can do is leave him alone which is hard when i wanna be a friend 2 him still and it feels like he's ignoring me. But, at the same time, i know he has a lot of things on his plate right now and the last thing he needs to worry about is me, but i don't think that nhe understands that i'm just trying 2 b his friend and not all on his ass bout bein in a relationship and bla bla bla. this is prolly what i get for rejecting him years ago - karma is a bitch.

it just seems so hopeless for nething positive from a man. there are no more good men out there. it is soo hard to find someone who actually gives 2 shits about u - like someone who genuinley cares and takes the time for u and makes sure they give u everything u deserve in hope that u'll stick around because they can't afford loosing u because that's how precious u are to them. it is sooo hard 2 find that in someone nemore. regardless of what i've been through and the stuff i say about being alone the rest of my life, i am willing to give up my heart again, but no one wants it. it sucks.

thats why it leads me to believe that maybe i'm not supposed to have anyone in my life. maybe i'm just one of those people who doesn't have the personality 2 get married or b happy with someone. which is funny because a bunch of ex's of mine or someone who liked me but i never gave them a chance tell me that they wish they never let me leave and that whatever guy gets me is really lucky because i'm a great girl and i'm a keeper. but i can't seem to keep anyone that comes in my life! they all leave and either their lives take a turn for the better or they find someone else and those relationships turn out to be the love of their life, the same position that i thought i was for them. i always get dicked over - i'm always disposable. i must be doing something wrong but i don't know what it is yet because i always change what didn't work in the last relationship.

i'm pretty lonely not having a man in my life. i go to sleep wishing i had my man next to me and holding me and falling alseep with his arms around me. i wish i had someone to talk to when i was bored, when something is on my mind, or when i just see something and i wanna tell someone. i want someone to have my back and support me when i'm right and tell me when i'm wrong. i have a wild spirit and i want someone who can tame me and hold me down. no one has stepped up to the plate and stayed for good no matter what i do. it all seems pretty hopeless.

The song he would've dedicated to me on that night...

Listen...I'd be lying if I told you that I didnt see it coming, be more of a liar if i said, "Hey i didnt want it to be something." You deserve much better for the love that you have shared. I know you wont believe it but girl I swear that I got love for you, big love for you, even when I'm tripping. The fact remains that you will always be my baby, my baby. But dig the truth, baby dig the truth, I cant hide my feelings. Especially when the whole world can see...

That my heart is in two different places...I got you in my life and I wanna do right but its hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces, and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two. And he don't wanna lie, but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two. But he can't keep his heart in two different places, in two different places.

I know you feel it cause you say, "There is much more to this story." But I'd be a fool to say, "I trust her and I'm always gonna love her"...you know that you dont wanna hear. I been living on the edge baby, So I just say yeah baby. She ain't nothing but she is real, but why take her through it when i still got love for you, big love for you even when im tripping. The fact remains that you will always be my baby, my baby. But dig the truth, baby dig the truth, I can't hide my feelings. Espcially when the whole world can see...

That my heart is in two different places. I got you in my life and I wanna do right but it;s hard to let it go. When my love has two different faces and I can't break ties cause they both look right. Someone tell me what's a man to do when he's loving two and he don't wanna lie but he can't tell the truth. What's a man to do when he's loving two, but he can't keep his heart in two different places, not in two different places.

I wanna tell you its over, that i ain't thinking of her. I wanna really mean it and I want you to see it. That I'm really trying to leave her behind and I'm trying not to make you cry. I wanna tell you that I ain't playing games and that I'm dedicated to recieve a change. But when I look in the mirror it's the same old me.

"What's a Man to Do" - Usher

thoughts of ' 08 and hopes for ' 09

It's been a while since i've been on this. basically i want to get some things off my chest for the new year. first of all - 2008 sucked balls. it was probably the worst year i have had in a very long time and nothing positive came out of it. now that we are in 2009, i have some hopes. for one, i quit smoking and i hope i can pull through with that since smoking was the way that i tried to cope with things. it was my outlet for my stress and since that stress isn't quite over yet, i'm hoping that letting this go can allow me to let go of some of the other things that i've been holding on to as well. i also want to be able to let go of my ex. its been hard and i've been stubborn to listening, but there's come a point where i can do no more. i've realized that no matter how much i believed in the love that we had, feelings always change. love isn't always lasting. mistakes are made and for some, they need to run away from it. i'm still kind of blaming myself about what i did wrong to deserve the treatment i get, wtf is it about me that i can't find a guy that can care about me. it seems near impossible. hopefully i'll get over these feelings and let go of him. time is my friend as well as my foe, i just have to ride it out as best as i can. i want to find the strength in me to not let every little thing remind me of him and cry about it - he doesn't deserve my tears.

my hopes for this new year is the general things - do better in school, good health, money, whatever. i also want to find a house this year for school so i can finally move out. i don't want to struggle with money nemore, i want to be able to find a legit job, not fuckin highschool jobs n shit. a goal of mine is to change my attitude towards certain things and people and be a better leader and an all around better person. btu i definaltey want to get along in life without feeling i have to rely on finding love, but at the same time, i want my relationships (especially the one i'm sort of kind of in now), to be progressive and hopefully become something good and healthy for me.

fuck ' 08 and in with the new year!