everything he does effects me

it's official: Fate and that girl he's been talking to are a couple. to make it even more official, he took me off his top friends. i know that its probably not a big deal, but really? is it that serious to take me off his top? maybe she wanted it because she knows how me and him used to be together and stuff. i dunno nemore. but i can say it hurt like hell to see that he's really in a relationship now. i remember how he told me how he can't be in a relationship with anyone - so much for that. he just didnt want to be with me.

he'll be home this weekend, if he isn't home already. he hasnt' called, i know he most likely won't, but for some stupid reason i'm still waiting for it. a part of me wants to see him when i go back home for thanksgiving but a part of me doesn't and i know he won't make the effort to see me, he probably doesn't even want to remember what my face looks like. i keep running through scenarios in my head about what i would say and do if i do see him, and there is a high possibility i will because his sister's birthday is the day after thanksgiving and he might just be there. I keep thinking about how i want to tell him everything he's been doing has been hurting me and if it bothers him. i want to ask him if i still cross his mind, if he regrets what he's done, and if a part of him still wishes that we were still together. i'm going to give him back his bear, and i would hope that it hurts him as much as its gonna hurt me. i want him to be honest and tell me when i walk out that door, if he's gonna chase after me. but, we already know that answer.

i'm almost there, i'm almost over him and i know that i can live without him - a part of me just doesnt want to. i get so far and theres just that one thin thread that keeps me attatched to him. i want to cut it but i dont know what it would take to let it loose. but a part of me wants to continue to hold on to it. i'm the biggest idiot and no matter how much i have become to hate love and all that it represents, i still wish i had the love i had with him. its the post hypocritical thing i've ever experienced in my life. i don't know what to do about it. maybe i have to see his facial expression and look into his eyes when he tells me he no longer has feelings for me, that he's moved on to someone else, and that it's over for good. will he regret it one day? i don't know. life doesnt have the ending that you want.

"And the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes, and the time it would take to dial the phone...and the time it would take to realize her greatness; she'll be gone. She's moved on to someone who takes the time."

Time by Ne-yo