fantasy meets reality

well, i'm 19 years old and i am going through the toughest time in my life i've experienced yet: realizing that the guy i'm in love with doesn't love me anymore.

I thought i had it all figured out - already i've been through a couple serious relationships. I've cried the waterfalls, moped for days, been depressed about guys, got drunk to numb the pain, and thought that my life was over and that i'd surely die due to my heartache. Surprisingly, i've lived - thats what happens. You'd think that a love that you have let consume every bit of you, a love that stabbed you right in your heart would kill you instantly, but it doesnt. Instead, it lets you get through it, to learn from it, and to love again.

I got over it, but my feelings weren't fixed. I didnt believe in the fairy-tale falling in love. I didn't want to get married or have kids - love like that was too distant for me. And just before my rotten beliefs got the better of me, he came along. The guy who came into my life, who left too soon, and has broken my heart and feelings back to where i started. From now on, we'll call him by the name of Fate, because thats what he was.

he came into my life unexpectadly. But isn't that how it always works. Just when i needed someone to save me from my own twisted feelings, he came. And, me and Fate fell in love instantly. He was the first thing that i believed so strongly in such a long time. We were inseperable. We made promises to eachother, we went through so much together, emotionally and just being together. We spent our senior year in highschool together, we went to eachother's prom. He went off to army bootcamp, and we wrote eachother all the time. I flew to his army graduation and i picked him up at the airport the day he came home. I went off to college 2 hours away, but we still held it down. He wanted to go active for 3 years, and i promised him my loyalty and my love, and that i would wait for him no matter how long it took. Never have i talked seriously about living together, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. I believed that the love we had is what the movies portray, what people sing about, what they write about, and they dream about. We had that love and i thought that our love alone was strong enough to keep us together forever...but then reality hit.

everything can always seem like its going great until you hit a couple of bumps in the road. This past summer, we both had jobs that took up a lot of our time. Basically, he had a girl on the side. That hit me like a ton of bricks. the man who continued to say "i love you", "i need you", "your the one", had a girl on the side. We had a long talk, and we had come to the conclusion that we can't be together right now, but that we were gonna work at it. That night, Fate kissed me, and i still felt that spark, that same flame that i felt the first time we kissed almost 2 years ago. That told me a lot, and if i didn't feel that anymore, then that meant that the love wasnt there nemore. I was back in my fantasy world, despirte that it still burned inside, what he did, but i was willing to forgive him and work with him because i couldn't be without him - I again believed that we could work through this, Fate became my everything and i wasn't ready to let it slip away.

then reality smacked me again right across the face. a few days later, he tells me that he doesn't want to work it out anymore, that he doesn't want me as a girlfriend, and that he is trying to get over me. Many more things were said, but basically he was pushing me away. He's also found someone else, not a girlfriend, but another girl nontheless. I'm jealous because he has someone to take his mind off of me while i have no one. Fate has been pulling me back and forth and i don't know what to believe. I've pushed him to say that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't want to be with me. I do believe that he didn't want to say it, but at the same time, i know he doesn't love me. Its hard to admit to yourself that the guy you have loved with all your heart doesn't love you back, that he's fallen out, and coming back into it seems near impossible.

ugh...this is to much right now..i'll continue later